Onward She Goes

Kids These Days

2012-02-07T16:55:00.003-05:00

I was sitting in the food court just down the street from my office, having lunch today - grilled cheese and french fries, probably not the best thing for baby but whatever! The place was packed so anytime someone would vacate a seat, another person would quickly fill it.

The two seats next to me were soon filled by a young man and woman. The man was Irish complete with accent. The woman was Canadian but of Indian decent. They were chit chatting while I was chowing down and browsing the web on my Blackberry.

Here's a portion of their conversation:

Girl: How old are your parents?

Boy: My Dad is 56 and my Mom is 63. How about yours?

Girl: My Dad is 60 and my Mom is 58.

Boy: How old was your mom when she had you?

Girl: Oh she was old! She was 34 when she had me.

Boy: That's pretty late in life don't you think?

Girl: Yeah. I think my parents wish they had had us earlier so they could have done more stuff with us. I wish they were younger you know, so they could be around longer.

I had two immediate reactions. The first was WTF, I'm turning 37 tomorrow and I'm certainly not OLD and I'm having a kid in 6 months. The second was, OMG maybe I *am* too old for this? Is this what my kid will be saying in 24 years to her friend while having lunch in between classes?

I still don't know whether to scream or burst into tears.

My Dad was almost 40 when I was born. I used to wish he were younger, especially since he's all I have had since I was 9 years old. But now I know with his age, came wisdom and insight that none of my friend's younger parents had. Which is probably why we all turned out pretty awesome.

Signs of the Apocalypse

2012-02-01T21:23:00.001-05:00

The world as I know it has ended for the following reasons:

1. I haven't blogged in almost a month.
2. It's one week until my birthday and it's 7C outside.
3. I'm pregnant.

I'm 10.5 weeks along and I'm surprised my baby is growing given all the craziness that has happened in the last few weeks. I've drowned my baby in booze (before I knew I was pregnant), drowned it in sorrow (I really miss you Lara) and was in a minor car accident two nights ago (everyone is fine).

But my little peanut is hanging in there in spite of everything.

OMG YOU GUYS I'M PREGNANT.

I never thought I would ever actually get to this point in my life. For those of you who know me in real life, you *know* how completely freaky this is for me. It's everything I've been dreaming about and praying for, finally coming true. (And yes, even having warm weather for my birthday for once in my life.)

I doubt this is going to turn into a mommy blog because I just don't think that my pregnancy will be that interesting to anyone except me. But I will post some of my crazy dreams which are a direct result of the hormones raging through my body.

So my grown up life has begun. It's weird but awesome.

Black Canary

2012-01-06T11:45:00.001-05:00

My very dear friend Lara passed away on Wednesday January 4, 2011 at approximately 11:30pm. She died while having open heart surgery to repair her aorta which had torn. Her aorta was weak as a consequence of having Marfan Syndrome. She had open heart surgery once before in 1993 which had been a success. It took her 6 months to recover, but she did it!

I remember the first time I saw Lara. It was in 1999, just after I had started working at a software company in Mississauaga. My life had gone into a tailspin, which resulted in me picking up and moving to Milton, and getting a job through a friend who worked at that company.

Part of my duties were to cover reception. And one day, Lara was walking by. She was tall, like really TALL. I know tall women, but Lara was the tallest woman I'd ever met. Little did I know her height is a characteristic of Marfan Syndrome.

She came up to the reception desk and introduced herself. I thought, "Wow, what a nice person!" I can't remember how it came to be, but what I know is from the moment we met, we were FRIENDS.

There are many wonderful times she and I shared over the last 12 years. We've gone to concerts, baseball games, bowling nights, lunches, dinners, and each other's wedding.

There aren't enough words in all the languages on earth to describe how much she means to me. So I will just close this post off with a picture of the two of us, taken on the happiest day of her life.

Lara, I will love you forever. I know you are in heaven because you were a true angel on earth. I will see you again one day.

Lump of Coal

2011-12-24T11:30:00.001-05:00

I. am. not. happy.

A two day bathroom reno project has turned into a fucking nightmare because the contractor we hired clearly can't read.

We bought this tub: http://www.lyonsindustries.com/bath-collection/seawave-wall/

We sent the contractor the installation instructions before he provided us the quote. He quoted us and said it would take him 2 days maximum to put it in AND he could get it done before Christmas.

Now it's Christmas Eve and my bathroom has been torn to pieces with no end in sight because the contractor didn't "realize" what was "required" to "install" our tub. SERIOUSLY?!?! I SENT YOU THE INSTRUCTIONS!!!!!!!

And I really don't get how he works only two hours at a time and then calls it a day. The amount of money we are paying him for this job is the equivalent of TWO WEEKS pay for me. He has so far put in exactly 4 hours. I have to put in 75 hours to make that kind of money.

Merry effing Christmas to us. I hope our families don't mind running up and down the stairs to use the bathroom in the basement since the one on the main floor has been DESTROYED.

Seasons of Love

2011-12-21T10:52:00.018-05:00

Tomorrow will mark one year since I left the Tdot to settle into life in the Niagara Peninsula. Three hundred and sixty-five days ago. Or as Jonathan Larson wrote, "Five hundred, twenty-five thousand, six hundred minutes".

I have to say it doesn't feel like a year. Is that a good thing? You know, time flies when you're having fun and all that.

I will admit there have been several moments where I've wanted to pack up my stuff and move back to the city. But not because I don't love my new life, I just miss parts of my old one.

I mostly miss the vibe of Toronto. St. Catharines has no vibe. Really none. I've looked!

And I really miss just being able to hop on the subway after work and head off to do whatever my heart desires - meet with friends for dinner or see the latest musical to hit a Mirvish stage or to catch a cool new band on a Tuesday night.

But I wouldn't trade the last 365 days for any of that. I love my husband. I love my home. I love how close I am to my family and my 3 BFFs.

I just have to figure out a way to move the cultural centre of Canada closer to St. Catharines. Looks like it's already starting.

867-5309

2011-12-02T15:14:00.047-05:00

I eat lunch here a lot: http://karines.wordpress.com/

The owner Maggie takes orders while her daughter Karine cooks.

I always order the same thing. I'm like that with every restaurant I visit. I find something on the menu I really like and that's the only thing I order from then until the end of time.

So this is the exchange that happens between me and Maggie every time I go there. (And let me just say again that I go there a lot.)

Maggie: Hello baby! What can I get for you?

Me: Grilled cheese and fries.

Maggie: Regular fries or garlic fries?

Me: Regular fries.

Maggie: For here or to go?

Me: To go.

Maggie: Okay baby. And your name...Jenny right?

Me: Paprika.

Maggie: Oh yes, Paprika! Oh one day baby I will get it right!

I find it really fascinating that she wants to call me Jenny because as a child, I had always wanted my name to be either Jenny or Jennifer.

My best friend as a child was Jenny Birmingham. She had long blonde hair, blue eyes and a cute little nose that turned up at the end. To me, she was the prettiest girl in the world. I wanted to be just like her. Being a dark, ethnic kid, I was astounded that she picked me as her BFF.

In my 6 year old brain, if my name had been Jenny, I would have ended up with blonde hair, blue eyes and the perfect nose.

I often wonder what happened to Jenny and her perfect nose.

Pass Me A Glass

2011-11-30T13:40:00.000-05:00

In the last month, four of my girlfriends have announced the joyous news of being pregnant. And one of my girlfriends is in the final stages of getting approved for adoption.

So I've got five expectant mothers in my circle of close friends. If there's something in the water, I want a drink!

Summer 2012 is gonna be a baby bonanza!

Winning

2011-11-25T13:23:00.013-05:00

In my Spam folder today:

From: YAHOO MAIL LOTTERY
Subject: CONGRATULATIONS!! YOU HAVE WON GBP£1,000,000.00(OPEN THE ATACH FILE)

I would have fallen for it, but the prize being in British Pounds is what gave it away.

Bahahahahahaaaaa. :D

Strike Two

2011-11-21T08:45:00.000-05:00

Much to my surprise, I got my period this morning. I was so shocked I gasped loud enough that The Comedian heard me from the bedroom.

The shock is threefold - I didn't feel the usual bloating and aches, it is 2 days ahead of schedule and if I knew it was going to be this hard to get pregnant, I would have chucked out my birth control years ago.

Everyone I know in my closest circle of friends got knocked up immediately out of the gate.

So of course, I'm now convinced there's something horribly wrong with my reproductive tract.

What a way to kick off the work week. :(

I Am Smokin' Hot, But I Don't Smoke

2011-11-10T11:45:00.009-05:00

I have this amazing ability to attract crazy people everywhere I go. It happened this morning on my bus ride into work.

This kid who looked to be about 20, jumped up from his seat and ran back towards where I was sitting wearing a pair of aviator sunglasses with the tag still attached. He plopped himself down in the seat across the aisle from me and yanked the glasses off.

"Is that St. Joseph's Hospital?" and pointed out the window.

I took a look, "Yes it is."

"I woke up and was like, whoa! Where am I? And I looked out the window and saw the hospital."

Then he rambled on about a bunch of stuff, including the fact that he knows the woman who came up with the concept for the CN Tower Edge Walk. Apparently, she "has an accent but is an okay person."

I pulled out my Blackberry and pretended to be doing really important stuff on it in the hopes he would get the hint and stop talking to me. I texted The Comedian to let him know about my new friend.

He stopped talking for a little while and I breathed a small sigh of relief. The silence didn't last long.

"So when we get to the bus terminal, did you want to go for a smoke?"

It took a lot of willpower not to laugh directly in his face. I told him that I had to get to work.

"Oh. Okay. Well...um...I like to talk, you know? And you're a pretty girl."

Uh huh. I turned my attention back to my Blackberry once more.

As we approached the first stop at Union station, I made my move towards the front of the bus so I could be in position to jump out at the following stop.

He jumped up and rushed towards me.

"Hey! Maybe we can have a smoke some other time?"

I turned towards him and noticed the rest of the passengers waiting for my response.

"I don't smoke, and I'm married."

The look on his face was as if he had just lost his best friend. I think he was probably more sad about the fact that I don't smoke.

Cut Off

2011-11-09T13:47:00.000-05:00

I didn't make it through to the next round of Canada's Got Talent.

*le sigh*

I suppose there's always next year!

Dear Me

2011-11-02T22:04:00.000-04:00

Dear Paprika,

I know you're having a bit of a moment, but know that you will be okay. It's okay. It's fine. You're fine. Everyone is fine.

Try not to think too much about everything. That's where you tend to get into trouble.

Oh and for seriously, IT'S FINE!

Sincerely,
Paprika***

***This message has been brought to you by a very nice bottle of red Cabernet Merlot.

Happy Halloween

2011-10-31T23:23:00.000-04:00

Myself and The Comedian as Santana and Sue Sylvester. Clearly he loves me if he was willing to dress as a woman. Hope you all had a Gleeful Halloween!

Strike One

2011-10-28T15:21:00.000-04:00

Five tests and one period later, I'm not pregnant.

I really thought I was because my period was 4 days late and the last two pregnancy tests I took came back with questionable results.
Oh well. We'll try again once the great red flood finishes. Which by the way, isn't as awful as I remember it from when I was 18. But definitely worse than the 18 years since.

The silver lining in all this is I get to drink my face off at the Halloween party we are hosting tomorrow night. Oh Jack, how I've missed you!!

LOLz

2011-10-19T16:49:00.001-04:00

I haven't had the greatest experience interacting with the executive assistant to the CEO. She thinks she's the boss of all us administrative assistants. She's condesending, rude and a bitch. She rarely smiles and frankly, I hope she gets fired one day sooner rather than later.

I have a feeling someone has talked to her and told her to smarten the hell up. Take a look at the last two email threads I've received from her.

------------------------------------------
From: VP
Sent: October-17-11 11:20 AM
To: GP; DM; NR; JT; AS; SK; MM
Cc: SK; KS; AS; Paprika Spice; KJ
Subject: Vacation Requests

Good morning,

This is just a note to ask that you please add LA and me as attendance coordinators when you send vacation requests.

Thank you!

VP
President's Office Manager

From: Paprika Spice
Sent: October-17-11 12:11 PM
To: VP
Subject: RE: Vacation Requests

Will you forward me JT’s requests after they’ve been approved?

p
From: VP
Sent: October-17-11 12:14 PM
To: Paprika Spice
Cc: LA

Subject: RE: Vacation Requests

LOL! Will do.

I have copied LA so she knows too...VP

------------------------------------------
From: VP
Sent: October-18-11 2:18 PM
To: SB
Cc: LA; KS; LH; AM; EM; Paprkia Spice; DS
Subject: RE: Finance Dept and the United Way

Hi All,

SB and I talked and I have also spoken to RM. We’ve decided to not go ahead with the 50/50 draw. We will continue with the Cook-off/Buffet, Bake Sale and Candy Gram...VP

From: Paprika Spice
Sent: October-18-11 3:45 PM
To: VP
Subject: RE: Finance Dept and the United Way

I have returned the money to M. She was my only customer for 50/50.

p

From: VP
Sent: October-18-11 3:48 PM
To: Paprika Spice
Subject: RE: Finance Dept and the United Way

LOL! Thanks Paprika!

Why is she laughing out loud at my responses? I have a feeling she doesn't know the meaning of LOL but has seen people use it, and figures this is the way to be perceived as a kinder and gentler executive assistant.

She ain't fooling me. I'll be LOLing when the door hits her on her ass on the way outta here.

To Add or Not To Add

2011-10-14T17:24:00.000-04:00

I have only a handful of coworkers as friends on Facebook. As much as I would like to think the people I spend 8 hours a day with are my friends, I've learned the hard way they are in fact, not.
I have always been a person who will hand you my trust from the moment we meet. And then at some point shortly thereafter, my trust will be shattered and I'm left picking up the pieces.

As I've moved from job to job, I've been putting myself out there less and less. It took me a whole year at my present position before I even considered adding anyone from work to Facebook.

Soooo, last night I got a friend request from one of my managers. While I don't report directly to him, the bulk of the work I do is for him.

I am at a loss as what to do. He and his wife (who is another coworker) came to my wedding, so we're good enough "friends" that I wanted him there. But I don't want him to know that I go on Facebook during the day. And I certainly don't want him to see my rants when I'm having a bad day at work.

My gut is telling me it's a bad idea to add him, even on limited access. But my heart is telling me that he likes me and wants to be my friend.

What do you guys think?

My CGT Audition

2011-09-28T23:22:00.001-04:00

After waffling about whether or not I was actually going, I caught the 10am bus into the city. I got in line at 11:30am and did not get inside to the registration desk until 2:30pm. I was given number 10501849.

We sat in the stands waiting for our block of numbers to be called. I was in the 1817-1867 group. When we were finally called, we waited another hour to be brought up to the audition rooms.

Then it was split into groups of 10 per room, I was assigned to Room L. It was 4pm when my group was brought to outside of Room L.

Then it was 5 at a time per room. I didn't actually get inside Room L until 5:15p. And of course, I was the last one in my group.

First up was a 39 year old black lady from London. She sang an old jazz standard and got to sing the whole thing. She was sharp and flat in spots. But a nice try.

Second up was a 26 year old brown girl from Toronto. She sang a Christina Aguilera song, but one of her jazzy songs. She got to sing the whole song too. I thought she was trying her hardest to sound exactly like Christina which was boring to me.

Third up was a 20 year old white girl from Woodstock who brought her guitar. She sang a country song and got to sing the whole thing. She had a sweet voice, I liked her. She reminded me a bit of Carrie Underwood in her tone.

Fourth up was a 42 year old sex therapist from Toronto. This chick was INSANE. She was wearing a black mini dress with a long black coat and crazy leopard print stilettos. Her hair was done up as if she were going to the prom. She sang an original song called "Man Train". She got to sing the whole song. She was going on about how she wants to combine music with sex therapy. She will make it to the next round based on her level of crazy. Oh and she can't sing worth a lick.

Then it was me. I said my name, age, city and song (Piece of My Heart - Janis Joplin) for the camera. The producer Erica asked me why I made the trip from St. Catharines. Told her up until 8 months ago I had lived in Toronto for 12 years, then met hubby and moved back home. Then these auditions came up so I had to come. Said I had a band and I did a lot of travelling back & forth for gigs. "So you're familiar with the stage". Yup, the small ones at bars with the drunks who love me and the waitresses who are nice. The drunks love me so much I have to bring hubby to protect me. Laughs from the whole room.

Then she starts my track. I start singing and you know, I'm loud. As I get to the bridge, I can't hear the track anymore so right in the middle of a lyric I say "can you turn it up?" She does and I continue. Got to do 2 verses and 2 choruses and then she cut me off. Everyone applauded when I was done and I did a dorky little curtsy.

And that was it. After everyone sang she asked them more questions. After I sang, she didn't ask me anything. I dunno if that's good or bad.

They gave us a piece of paper saying they will contact us if we make it to the next round by Oct. 31st and call backs are being held Dec 3,4 & 5. We have to do the exact same song wearing exact same outfit, hair & make up.

Here's to hoping!

Canada's Got Talent

2011-09-26T22:38:00.002-04:00

I'm auditioning for Canada's Got Talent on Wednesday.

I. am. freaking. out.

I can't decide what song to sing. And when I ask my friends for their opinion, I get 30 different answers. My bandmates at least agree that I should do a Janis Joplin song, but they don't agree on which one.

I had my husband take my guitar to get restrung but it won't be ready until tomorrow, so I've been hacking around on my other crappy guitar that I decided I like better than my real guitar. But it needs restringing as well.

I had to reschedule my tattoo appointment, and I can't decide whether to wear heels or flats.

Oh and there's a special section in the 19 page release form that is specifically about pregnancy.

(j) Pregnancy: I recognize that participating in the Program necessarily may involve strenuous physical activities, including, without limitation, some or all of those described in this Agreement. I understand that some or all of these activities are not recommended during pregnancy. I represent and warrant that if I am pregnant or if I become pregnant during my participation in the Program, I shall notify Producer immediately.

Let's see if I'll be the first pregnant winner of a singing contest. That's if I can ever decide on a song....

End of an Era

2011-09-23T11:08:00.004-04:00

After 41 years on television, today is the last episode of All My Children.

After 18 years of birth control, today I take my last pill.

I'll miss them both. A lot.

Taking His Name

2011-09-14T12:56:00.004-04:00

I'm getting my husband's last name tattooed to my butt, in lieu of legally changing my last name to his.

My BFF says I'm stupid to do it. She's been married for 12 years and has never once wanted to tattoo her husband's name. She did tattoo her kids' astro signs to her hip. But nothing for their father. LOL.

Here's the font I've picked.

Pretty eh?

My appointment is scheduled for September 28th. And lucky me, my tattoo artist is at a shop that is five minutes from my office. She has done half of my tattoos, including the one I got to declare my freedom from my first marriage.

The only other name I have tattooed on me is Elvis. So my husband better know how damn much I love him to want to permanently etch his family name to my bum.

So Long Doc

2011-09-13T15:25:00.032-04:00

I had my annual hand-up-in-my-junk exam with my family doctor this morning. And of course I told him I want to have a baby.

While he was poking around in there, he gave me the statistics on all the awful things that babies can be born with to mothers who are in my age bracket. I have a 1 in 365 chance of having a baby born with Down Syndrome. I will have a harder time getting pregnant, and a greater risk of miscarrying or having to deliver via C-section, which could result in low birth weight and other complications in not carrying to term.

He asked me if I would want to do genetic testing.

Nope.

He asked me if I would terminate if I knew my baby had Downs.

NOPE.

"Okay, then I guess there's no real reason to do any prenatal screening other than the usual blood work."

GREAT.

Then he asked me if I had thought about who would be my primary physician for my pregnancy.

"I'm getting a midwife."

His face fell. He looked really disappointed.

"That makes sense, you probably wouldn't want to drive back and forth for appointments as you get further along in the pregnancy. It's better you find someone closer. Well, let me know if you need any copies of your medical records. Just call me and I can get those to your midwife."

OMG, I totally broke up with my doctor! The doctor who has looked after me since I was nine years old. The doctor who saved my life by prescribing me anti-depressents after my first marriage fell apart. The doctor who would write me sick notes and not charge me $10.

"You'll come see me for the first appointment after you've become pregnant?"

Of course I will.

Don't Force It

2011-09-07T15:28:00.000-04:00

For The Comedian's birthday last month, I bought him a limited edition Toronto Maple Leafs wrist watch. I had to up my game from the bucket & pint glass set I got him last year.

This watch is number 1291/4999 and has the Leafs logo on the face, and on the back is engraved with "Toronto Maple Leafs", the Leafs logo and the issue number. It is beautiful and heavy and expensive.

He hasn't had the chance to wear it since I gave it to him because the band was a little too large. so we took it last night to have the band adjusted. We went to the watch & jewelery department at Sears in The Pen Centre.

We handed the watch to the clerk Wyatt and said it needed to have two links removed from the band.

Wyatt sat down at the work bench and picked up a tool that he applied to the back of the watch. I thought it was strange seeing as every time I've ever had a watch band adjusted, the clerk would take pins out and remove links.

He was cranking on it really hard and then stopped to adjust the tool. Then he cranked on it really hard again.

In my mind I'm thinking this isn't right, but I'm not the type of person to tell someone how to do their job.

He stopped again and readjusted the tool. Then he put it on the back of the watch and cranked REALLY HARD.

Suddenly he dropped everything and said, "You wanted the band adjusted, not the battery changed!"

At this point my heart sank. I knew what had happened without having to look. I asked him if he had scratched the watch. "Um, there's a small scratch." I asked him to give me the watch.

As I had anticipated, the back plate had been rotated counter clockwise about 20 degrees and there was a GOUGE at the top, completely obliterating the word "Leafs" and the registered trademark symbol. I actually gasped I was so shocked to see what he had done. The Comedian had a look and his face sank. He looked like someone had just killed his dog.

Long story short - I didn't murder him, but he will likely be out of a job today. And they will be paying for a replacement.

While we were waiting for security to show up to document the disaster, The Comedian asked Wyatt if this had ever happened before.

"Yes a few times at my last job, but never on anything worth this much."

"How long have you been working here?"

"This is my second shift."

Seriously Wyatt?! If I have anything to say about this, your career in watch repairs will be grinding to an immediate halt.

AXHP 988

2011-09-04T15:24:00.001-04:00

I have finally gotten rid of the absolute last physical remnant of my first marriage - my license plates.

I didn't have a car until shortly after I was married for the first time in January 2006. My ex-husband drove his car into the ground, namely by never getting an oil change. My sister-in-law's father was selling his 1995 Sonata for dirt cheap so I decided to buy it to save my ex from having to take the bus an hour and a half each way to work.

I loved my little Sonata. It was purple, in perfect shape and had only 120,000KM on the odometer.

My ex came with me when I went to register for plates. I was hoping to get a plate number that was cool, or at least that I could easily remember.

The branch of the MTO (DMV for my Yankee friends) I visited had the unfortunate series of AXHP. My ex suggested I look through the stack to find a number that I liked. I pulled out 988, because I like the number 8 and they didn't have the 888 plate available.

And now 5 1/2 years later, I went back to the MTO and handed them in. I gave my car to my brother last week. He needed one and I just don't use it anymore. And with our plans for a baby, we want to buy an SUV (looks like it will be a Hyundai Tuscon!).

When I handed them in, the clerk kept asking me if I was certain I wanted to do it. Yup. Take 'em, don't need 'em.

"If you give these back, you can never have that plate number EVER AGAIN!"

I assured him I really didn't care about the plate number.

"So you're SURE you want to return these?"

YES GOVERNMENT DRONE, I AM SURE.

I am really not going to lose any sleep over never having this plate number again. I came up with the mnemonic device "All Xrays Harm Puppies" in order to remember it. Seriously, my heart is not breaking over this.

The clerk seemed especially attached to my plates because he asked me a THIRD time if I was sure.

Ladies and gentlemen, our tax dollars hard at work.

I signed a piece of paper that declared I understood my grave decision in releasing the plates from my ownership and they will be forever locked in a dark room with no food or water. Yeah yeah, just give me my refund assholes so I can get back to work.

Less the administration fee, I'm getting a cheque for $20.85 in 6-8 weeks. Yeeee haw!!!

So long AXHP 988. Thanks for taking me all around Toronto and surrounding GTA, to and from Niagara, and to and from Cleveland. Oh and thanks most of all for nearly running over my ex husband. That's the greatest gift of all. ;)

Free Fall

2011-09-01T11:49:00.003-04:00

So we've made the decision that I'm going off the pill when I finish the current package, which means I'll be swallowing my last pill in 22 days.

I'm thrilled and terrified and excited and terrified. Did I mention I'm terrified?

I haven't been off the pill since I was 18 years old. I can remember with technicolour clarity how vicious my period was prior to being on the pill. I wanted to rip out my uterus and throw it into a freezer until I needed it for childbearing. PMS would hit me so hard that I would spend days bawling my eyes out for no apparent reason. My father wanted to take me to a psychiatrist to find out why his child was a basket case. My family doctor told him it was normal. Yeah, I don't think wanting to commit suicide for a week out of every month would be considered quite normal however my insanity wasn't due to any other mental health issue. So my doc did the right thing by putting me on the pill. The fact that I was sexually active was really just a minor consideration.

I'm scared of having a natural period again. I'm hoping we shoot and score right out of the gate because I really don't want to see what happens after I ovulate for the first time in almost 20 years.

It's strange how I'm finding myself scared at the prospect of finally having a child, when this is something that I've always wanted. I think it's mostly the change that will happen to my body that I'm afraid of rather than having the responsibility of raising a child - that part I can handle. The thought of pushing that little one from my loins is what's making me freak right out.

It's a big change going from spending my entire adult life doing everything I can to prevent a pregnancy to letting it all blow in the breeze. Weeeeeeeeeeird.

RIP HBD

2011-08-22T20:53:00.033-04:00

Jack Layton, the leader of the New Democratic Party, passed away this morning after a battle with cancer. He was 61 years old.

Today is my Dad's birthday. He is 76 years old.

My Dad was pretty blue when I phoned him this evening to wish him a happy birthday. He's a big fan of Jack Layton and was pretty upset about his passing. Whenever someone in the news who is younger than my Dad passes away, it really brings mortality into a sharp and painful focus for him. And for me too. I cannot imagine a world without my father in it. I've had to live in a world without my mother and that has never gotten any easier.

He told me he spoke with his brother this morning and felt like he was never going to see him again. My Uncle lives in Malta and has had various health issues over the last decade. Aside from my Dad, my brothers and myself, our entire family still lives across the ocean. So it's on rare occassions we get to see them. And usually it's for a wedding or a funeral.

When my Dad gets like this, I tend to yell at him mostly out of my own frustration, but also because I just want him to snap out of it. So I yelled at him to get a plane ticket and get over there if he really felt like he was never going to see his brother again. And after some more yelling on my part, he decided he would think about it. I think I'm just going to make the decision for him and buy him a ticket to go spend part of the winter there.

As we get older, the inevitable has this really annoying way of getting in your face all the time.

I want to go find some sand and stick my head in it.

The Simple Answer to the Debt Crisis

2011-07-29T09:56:00.002-04:00

I have the solution to the US debt crisis and pretty much to everything else.

People are happy to buy tickets to the movies. We heard about how the final Harry Potter film grossed almost $300M in its opening weekend alone.

So what I propose is this - have everyone who bought a ticket to that film buy a "ticket" to the stability of the economy. Right there, $300M will be raised in a single weekend. Then I propose that anyone who bought a ticket to any of the top 10 grossing films of the past weekend buy a "ticket". Now we're talking $1B in "sales" in a single weekend. Then take that money and put it towards the national debt.

Now of course the first thought that will cross people's minds is "Why should *I* pay for the idiocy of the government?"

Well the answer is you're already paying, it's in the form of economic collapse which could (and probably will) result in losing your job again and losing your house again and losing your will to live *again*.

People piss away the cost of a movie ticket on a daily basis. I say harness that power. I would rather buy a ticket to economic stability than to see the Harry Potter film. And when the economy is finally stabilized, I will still have a job and a home and then I can go see HP as many times as I want.

I would pass an iron clad law that the money raised in economic ticket sales be used solely to pay down the national debt. Nobody can make a dime off it. No overhead costs and no bullshit bureaucracy.

When the ticket is purchased, that money goes directly to the Treasury. The end. All banks will participate and not charge any transaction fees to move money from the citizens to the Treasury.

Then the Treasury pays it out to its creditors. Done.

I'm not saying we pay down the entire gazillion dollars owed, I'm saying we pay it down just enough that the government can get its head out of its ass long enough to get the economy back on solid footing. Oh and in that law, they can't build ticket sales into the budget. It won't ever be a source of revenue. That's what taxes are for.

If you like this idea, feel free to pass it around. Who knows, maybe we can save our economy one movie ticket at a time.

Now What?

2011-07-27T14:31:00.033-04:00

* Find soulmate. Check.

* Move in together. Check.

* Get engaged. Check.

* Get married. Check.

* Go on honeymoon. Check.

Seriously, I don't remember much of the wedding. A few key moments here and there. In my mind's eye I woke up, took a shower, went to the hall (which was a complete fucking disaster that almost ruined everything), went to get my hair done, and then whammo, I was eating my dinner with a shiny new ring on my finger and everyone kept saying how happy they are for us.

I do not remember the expression on The Comedian's face as I came down the aisle. I do not remember the reading that one of his groomsmen did during the ceremony. I do not remember saying my vows. I vaguely remember the ring exchange and I kind of remember signing the registry.

This is why having a videographer is essential. It's not for the memories, it's for proof that the wedding actually took place!

I do remember the church was hotter than an oven. I feel that was my mother's way of letting us know she was there watching over everything. She was probably laughing as all of us were dripping in sweat. That'll teach us for not going to church every week.

I've been back at work for a few days now and life is normal again. But I feel like I'm missing something. Or I've missed something? Or something has gone missing?

Apparently there's such a thing as post nuptial depression. I doubt that's what I'm experiencing, but I am feeling a bit lost.

Maybe I should just start working on making babies. :)

Long Live The King

2011-07-24T11:37:00.001-04:00

Here are my very favourite pictures from our honeymoon in Memphis. I could have spent another week soaking up everything Elvis. I was in absolute heaven! I got to see my favourite singer's city with my favourite guy on earth. :)

This is at Sun Studio where we got to stand on the original studio floor and pose with the actual mic that Elvis used to record "That's Alright Mama".

Here we are at the front door of Graceland.

Me on the front steps. It took The Comedian a few minutes to get a shot where I was pretty much all by myself. I want to live here!

Inside the front room of the house. This was my favourite of all the rooms we were allowed to see.

The Comedian with Elvis' iconic jumpsuit from the Aloha Hawaii special.

Me on the bed in our room at the Heartbreak Hotel. Sadly this hotel is a total dump. The next time we go, we're planning on staying at the Days Inn which is just down the street.

And here we are on the rooftop of the Peabody Hotel and in the lobby by the fountain. Actually, if we can afford it, we'll stay there the next time instead. It's a grand old 5-star hotel with southern charm just oozing out of every corner.

We brought back quite a haul of souveniers. I think The Comedian was actually a bit surprised at how much stuff I bought. On our final morning, I stopped into the gift shop one last time just to pick up a keychain and ended up buying another $70 worth of stuff. LOL. I warned him before we left I was gonna shop till I dropped.

And the best part about the trip was that we know we travel well together. We spent 16 hours each way in a car together and not once did we fight. We laughed and talked and sang along to our favourite songs and just really enjoyed each other's company.

I gotta pat myself on the back, this time I done good pickin' me a hubby. :D

Mr. & Mrs.

2011-07-17T20:28:00.000-04:00

Will Post, Stay Tuned

2011-07-12T12:57:00.002-04:00

Dudes, I'm 4 days away from my wedding. And I'm seriously missing my blogging time. Obviously the hours in which I usually tell my tales have been eaten up with all the teeny tiny details that at last count, have added up to a bazillion and three. Those last three are giving me a headache.

At any rate, I've got a bunch of drafts waiting to be finished and posted. So come back in a while and check in.

Oh, I love my dress now, so all is good. Too bad it cost another $300 to get it the way it should have been made to begin with. Alas, that is the nature of the beast that is called a wedding.

Hugs and kisses and slobbers to you all who keep checking in. Next time I post, I'll be Mrs. Comedian!

P.S. When I did the spell check on this post, bazillion came up as a real word. Nice. :)

OMGIJ

2011-06-10T16:38:00.000-04:00

Oh. My. God. It's. June! Dudes, I'm getting married in 5 weeks!

I was at lunch with my friend Karen today and she said, ". . . next month after your wedding . . ."

And my brain was like, next month? My wedding isn't next month, it's in July.

And then I realized that next month IS July!

YEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

Here's a piece of advice from someone who is about to get married for the second time - ELOPE! I should have eloped again. But I would have been subjected to a tar and feathering from my BFFs if I had screwed them out of an open bar again.

Wish me luck with my fitting tomorrow. Hopefully I will hate my dress less.

Rapture

2011-05-21T18:16:00.003-04:00

Well, it's 15 minutes into the supposed rapture and we're all still here.

The Comedian and I had a lovely day. We ran some errands, had a nice lunch and then did a quick scoot across the border to try and find me a replacement wedding dress.

We ended up going back to where we started and I bought a very nice dress from a local bridal shop.

I'm going to see my seamstress next week to see if my first custom made (read: very expensive) dress can be salvaged. If not, I will wear the dress I picked up today.

I swear guys, I'm never getting married again.

Dress Disaster

2011-05-19T23:24:00.004-04:00

Three words - I hate it.

8 weeks and 2 days until the big show and I've got nothing to wear.

Cue the apocalypse cuz I really don't want to live anymore.

Complicated

2011-05-16T10:18:00.000-04:00

"It's complicated."

"What you want is complicated."

"Something like that is very complicated."

You'd think I was asking someone to shoot the entire three plus hours Oscar extravaganza.

I wish people could think outside the box when it comes to my reception. They keep asking me the same questions over and over, "When are you getting to the hall after your photos?", "When are the speeches happening?", "When are you being announced for your entrance?", "When are you doing the toast?".

WE'RE NOT DOING ANY OF THAT CRAP. GET WITH THE PROGRAM: ARRIVALS, DINNER, SHOW. THE END.

I fail to see why this is so complicated.

Desserts

2011-05-15T19:26:00.000-04:00

In the last week I've been told:

The jeweller lost our wedding band design and ring sizes
The cake maker can't make the cake anymore
The videographer can't shoot the wedding anymore
The organist lost our music selections and sheet music

I've been waking up in the middle of the night having panic attacks. When I do sleep, I've been having nightmares about my dress being all wrong or not made at all. I woke up crying this morning and have been in a terrible mood all day.

We went to see our priest this afternoon to finalize the wording of our vows and ring exchange. I told him about the troubles I've been having.

He said, "You know that stressed spelled backwards is desserts."

I would have a dessert, except for the cake maker can't make our cake anymore....

Blargh.

An Open Letter to the Oil Companies

2011-05-12T14:43:00.000-04:00

Dear Oil Companies,

By gouging us at the pumps, your kid isn't ever going to get a good job or make any friends. And here's why.

When prices increase at the pumps, we have less disposable income. The only thing we can afford is to put gas in our car to drive to and from work.

When the only thing you can afford to do is work, you stop doing other stuff - like going to the movies, eating out, and taking vacations. We especially stop buying new things like clothes, electronics and vehicles. We all just make do with what we have.

When we stop buying stuff, stores stop ordering from their suppliers, and suppliers stop ordering from their manufacturers. Simple supply and demand. Demand is clearly taking a beating.

When the demand plummets, production slows down or stops. When that happens, profits plummet and people start losing their jobs.

When people lose their jobs, they cut back on everything, including borrowing money to send their kids to post-secondary schools.

When people don't send their kids to continue on with their studies, new technologies aren't invented.

When new technologies aren't invented, no new jobs are created. This adds to the fact that a whole bunch of people are still out of work.

This means your kid won't have anywhere to go for work when you finish paying for their post-secondary education with the money you made by gouging us at the pumps.

They'll continue to live at home and not be social. They won't make any friends, nor will they meet their partners and raise families. And even if they were to have a family, they wouldn't be able to afford the gas to drive their kids to see Grandma and Grandpa.

I'm all for free enterprise. And I'm all for profit. But seriously? Instead of a 5000% profit, let's try 4000% and see what happens. I promise, you'll still be able to afford your cigars, whiskey and hookers. You may just have to cut out one hooker per day.

Sincerely,
Paprika

Marching Along

2011-05-10T20:24:00.000-04:00

Hey kids! Just checking in to let you all know I'm still alive. I've been ridiculously busy with work, more work, commuting and oh that whole wedding planning thang.

Nine and a half weeks until blast off.

I'm still waiting on my dress.

Okay, gotta go.

I miss you guys.

xoxo

He Did Good

2011-04-23T20:24:00.014-04:00

I am sooooooo proud of The Comedian's performance at Yuk Yuk's last night. Although he didn't advance to the next round, he did really good!

And believe me, I'm not just saying that. I'm an extremely tough critic, which he can certainly attest to. When he was trying out his material on me, I scrutinized every sentence and gave him some pretty critical feedback. At one point I had my arms crossed and was shaking my head no at him. He threw his hands up and yelled, "BUT I'M FUNNY!!!" and stormed out of the room.

Luckily, he still wants to marry me.

We'll get 'em next year!

Yukin' It Up

2011-04-12T21:11:00.000-04:00

I'm sooooooooooo excited right now! The Comedian was selected to compete in Yuk Yuk's Great Canadian Laugh Off! The grand prize is $25,000!!!! Imagine how many more people we could invite to the wedding if he wins?!

The first round is April 22 - 28, with the semi-finals happening April 28 & 30, and the finals being May 1st. The finals will be a taped special for the Comedy Network.

Wish him luck! Or better yet, come on out and support him. As luck would have it, he drew the first night. It will be a Good Friday indeed!

Gleaner News

2011-04-05T12:37:00.009-04:00

Hey kids, I was interviewed for The Gleaner! The author, Amy Ward, found a blog post about a Missed Connection ad I had posted on my blog last year and she was doing an article on that very topic.

She asked me if I would be willing to be the subject of her article and of course, I agreed.

A big thank you goes to Amy for the great interview and fabulous article. Here's the clipping:
Tunnel of love, lost

---------------------------------------------------------

Bathurst Station most popular site for missed connections

By: Amy Ward

Before the days of finding hook-ups by GPS-locating cell phone apps, geo-locating lovebirds had only missed connection postings to find one another. For shy types, a note to that person with a cute smile lets you act on an afterthought. In some locations, like cell-phone-signal-quashing subway tunnels, the missed connections are still the introvert's greatest tool when hunting booty.

Back in November, Craigslist released a study called 'Love on the Line' exploring which TTC stations are sites for the most Missed Connections postings. Over an eight-week period last summer and fall, they calculated the number of postings divided by ridership at each station to find the lustiest location on the TTC. The winner ... Bathurst! For the 28,000 passengers passing through the station each day, Bathurst's tubes could be rebranded Toronto's tunnel of love.

"Paprika," who, like many involved in the online dating community, wishes to maintain some anonymity, has been both the poster of a missed connection and the subject of one.

"I found them amusing in a sad sort of way," she said. "Kind of like a train wreck, you can't help but look even though it's just an awful mess."

A friend of hers came across a missed connection posting and recognized Paprika as the subject, based on an encounter she'd had while waiting for a film festival at the Bloor Cinema (506 Bloor St. W.). She responded to the posting, but the sparks weren't there.

"It was very flattering that someone felt strongly enough about me to post an ad on Craigslist," she said.

A few months later, she posted her own missed connection on Craigslist, after chatting with a man outside Bathurst station. She never received a response.

"I suppose it is the annex of the Annex," Paprika said. "I think that particular stretch of Bloor, between Bathurst and Spadina, has so much going on, it naturally fosters an environment where all sorts of different people cross paths."

Though neither of her missed connections worked out, shortly after posting her own, Paprika combed a friend's Facebook connections and ended up meeting her fiance. "I believe timing and attitude are everything," she said. "Looking back on the events that happened in my life prior to meeting him, and everything that happened in his life, I know that we both had to go through what we went through in order to really appreciate each other when we finally did connect."

Of course, it's hard to conjure a soulmate connection out of nothing. Maybe that's the allure of the missed connection postings. It's the delayed bravado after a moment that could have been but never was. Any romantic can see the allure of the missed connection. So for all you starving romantics, remember that a connection may happen whether you miss it or not.

I Love Irony

2011-04-04T23:06:00.003-04:00

I popped into the Staples near my office this afternoon to pick up the envelopes for my wedding invitations.

It's right next door to the court house where I had filed for divorce three years ago.

:)

I Ain't Your Fool

2011-04-01T08:22:00.007-04:00

I hate April Fools Day.

Hate. Hate. HATE IT.

I do not like to be tricked, nor do I like to trick people, especially my family and very close friends. I think it's ridiculous that there is a day when it's okay to mind-fuck your friends and family.

My least favourite April Fools Day was in 1986. My father was in a relationship with a horrible woman who moved herself and her daughter into our house. I was forced to share my room and all my stuff with her daughter and forced to call her Mom. I would defiantly call her You're-Not-My-Mom-Mine-Is-Dead.

That morning in 1986, as we were all scurrying around getting ready for school, she and my Dad gathered us into the dining room and sat us down at the table. FYI, that dining room table set belonged to my mother.

"Kids, your Dad and I have some fantastic news! I'm pregnant!!!"

My initial split second reaction was my stomach falling out of my body and into the depths of hell. But a moment later I realized she was totally lying. So I called her out.

"You had a hysterectomy. So you can't be pregnant."

Her eyes widened. Yeah bitch, you didn't count on the fact that for an 11 year old, not only did I know where babies came from, but I was a little genius who lived and breathed science and medicine.

"No! I'm pregnant! It's a miracle!"

"NO YOU'RE NOT! YOU'RE LYING!!! WHY ARE YOU LYING TO US ABOUT SOMETHING LIKE THAT?!"

I ran crying out of the room. My father thought it was all fucking hilarious.

For the life of me, I still can't figure out why my Dad would ever allow her to try to pull something like that. My Dad has always had a twisted sense of humour, which usually was right in line with what I consider funny. So I suppose I could forgive him for that misstep. (The jury's still out on that by the way.)

My mother had been dead for exactly 2 years, 1 month and 12 days. Didn't either of them stop to think for one second that maybe it was just a bit too soon and completely inappropriate?

IT WAS NOT FUNNY, ASSHOLES.

The only way a trick can work is if the person trusts you. That's why April Fools is so fucked up. You're essentially abusing someone's trust in order to get a cheap laugh.

Think twice today my friends. A seemingly harmless prank could have a negative impact that lasts a lifetime.

May The Farce Be With Him

2011-03-27T12:25:00.005-04:00

I just got word that Roger Abbott passed away last night from a 14 year battle with leukemia. I'm in absolute shock. He had hidden his illness from everyone except his very closest friend Don Ferguson.

Roger & Don were part of the original troupe that created The Royal Canadian Air Farce in 1973, first airing as a radio program. It went to television in 1993 where Roger & Don continued as performers and also served as executive producers.

I was privileged to have worked on the show for its last 5 seasons, 2004 - 2008. I have many memories of Roger during my time on the show. The best thing about him was he took the time to know all of the production staff on a first name basis. I was actually shocked the first time he said, "Hello Paprika!" as I was scurrying past him down a hall to the studio. I stopped in my tracks and did a double take. I couldn't believe he knew my name, a lowly production assistant.

In 2005, I had interviewed for the position of Audience Coordinator with both Roger and Don. While I didn't get the job, I had left such a great impression on them that they decided to send me out to dinner to one of my favourite restaurants in Toronto. They gave me a $200 gift card to Alley Catz. It was absolutely unexpected and extremely flattering. Who can ever say they got a consolation prize for not getting a job?

When I lost my day job in 2009, I had phoned up the Air Farce offices to see if there was anything open. There wasn't, but Roger invited me to use the offices for resume printing, photocopying and faxing in my job search. He also let me do some of the odd administrative jobs that no one else had the time or inclination to do so that I could keep busy and not be going out of my mind at home. His kindness and generosity during that tough time in my life was a huge help to me both professionally and personally.

I have no words to describe how heart broken I am over the loss of Roger. Heaven certainly has another angel in its stables.

Thank you Roger.

Luck o' the Irish

2011-03-17T21:54:00.004-04:00

My bus almost got creamed by a truck on the way in to work today. The truck was trying to avoid some sunglasses-wearing-coffee-sipping-BITCH who decided to randomly walk into oncoming traffic.

I gotta hand it to my bus driver, he stayed completely calm, cool and collected while the rest of us shrieked like piggies being sent to slaughter.

It's no wonder I had a pint of Guinness at lunch today.

Happy St. Paddy's y'all!

My Birthday Again

2011-03-09T12:24:00.004-05:00

As I was arriving to work yesterday, one of my managers happened to be coming in at the same time.

"Hey, it's a special day for you today!"

I stopped for a moment. What the heck was so special about March 8th?

"Oh, you mean International Women's Day!"

"No...."

"Fat Tuesday?"

"No....it's the 8th...."

I still had no freaking clue what he was talking about.

"It's your birthday!"

Hahahahahaaaaaaa. OMG!!! I informed him my birthday was last month. On February 8th.

He turned a bright shade of red. And being the smart ass I am I then asked, "Did you get me a present?"

Turns out, he did. He came back to my desk a few minutes later with a beautiful gift bag and card.

The card was signed by him, the other manager and my big boss. "Happy (belated) Birthday Paprika! T, J & C" The "belated" had been added in with a different coloured pen.

And my gift was a lovely box of chocolates from Williams Chocolate in Whitby. He had told me about this place a couple months ago and I had jokingly asked him to get me some.

Wow. I was touched. Although he got the month wrong, he was thoughtful enough to get me a gift, and coordinate getting my other bosses to sign the card.

I thanked him profusely and told him how much it meant to me. He kept apologizing for getting the month wrong. I told him there's always next year. :)

I devoured half the box and then went around and shared with the rest of the people in my department. I told them the story and they thought the same thing - absolutely adorable and funny.

I took the rest of the box home for The Comedian. We had pancakes for dinner in honour of Fat Tuesday and then discussed what we should give up for Lent. We decided to give up candy.

And we fell asleep before we could polish off my birthday candy.

I hope they are still good come Easter!

Release Me Part II

2011-02-19T17:29:00.006-05:00

We saw The Monsignor this afternoon to finalize the details of the ceremony. He gave us a book called "Celebrating Our Love - Liturgical Resources for Preparing and Celebrating Marriage", which has a variety of selections of prayers, scripture readings, psalms and acclamations. It's like a choose-your-own adventure book. He told us to take it home, make our selections and then email him with our choices.

We chatted for a bit when he asked, "Have I given you a copy of this?" as he pulled out a single sheet of paper from the file folder on his desk. I shook my head no.

He handed me a copy and I just put it to the side as we continued our chat.

We talked mostly about the ceremony and how we can make it personal to us by the selection of readings and the music. And of course The Comedian used this opportunity to chat with The Monsignor cousin to cousin. So over all it was quite a pleasant meeting.

The last bit of business was making sure we apply for our marriage license a month or so before the ceremony and getting a copy of The Comedian's baptismal certificate to be added to our record.

When we got home, I pulled out the page The Monsignor had given me.

I laughed soooooooo hard reading this! I know this is all very serious business in the Church, but come on! I "violated" canonical form?! My "attempted" marriage?! Hahahahahahahaaaaa!!

I hope God forgives me for thinking this letter is totally hilarious. But if this is what it takes for me to marry The Comedian, so be it.

Magic

2011-02-13T22:31:00.013-05:00

I had my second birthday party yesterday. And its success was a direct result of a gift I got from the first birthday party I had last Saturday.

Having a birthday that fell on a Tuesday gave me full license to have two parties this year. The first one was a family thing in the afternoon. We had drinks and snacks and cake and presents! I got a gift certificate to Amazon.com from my brother and his fiancee, Season 1 Vol 2 of Glee from my soon-to-be-mother-in-law, and a lovely sweater from my soon-to-be-sister-in-law. But by far, the best present I received was from my darling true love, The Comedian. He got me The Magic Bullet.

Yes folks, THE MAGIC BULLET!!!!

I'm sure some of you are scratching your heads wondering why I would love a kitchen appliance more than my Glee DVDs.

Well, the gifting of the Magic Bullet was The Comedian's way of righting a wrong my ex-husband had committed back in 2006.

A little back story if you will....

I'm insanely addicted to infomercials. My absolute favourite is the one for The Magic Bullet. Back when I was still with that douche bag I called a first husband, I would distract myself from the misery of my marriage by watching The Magic Bullet infomercial at all hours of the day and night. Eventually, everytime we would be out shopping, I would bring up how awesome it would be if I had a Magic Bullet.

One weekend we were at the Pickering Flea Market. We walked up and down every aisle in the place. He was busy spending my money on stuff he liked, as per usual. We turned a corner when lo and behold, there was a display with The Magic Bullet in all its glory.

I ran up to it and practically hugged it. I wept tears of joy, I was so excited to finally see one in the flesh. I noticed the price tag - $50! HALF THE PRICE OF BUYING IT ON TV!!

I told my ex I wanted it. I WANTED IT AND I WANTED IT RIGHT THEN AND THERE!!

And still to this day, I can't figure out how he talked me out of it. He managed to talk me out of spending MY money (for those of you new to this blog, he was jobless for most of our marriage) on something that I DREAMED about. He told me he would come back and get it for me at a later date.

FINE.

So a later date rolls around and he comes home with a big box. I got super excited because I knew what was in the box!! I dropped to my knees on the living room floor and tore into that box and found...

The Blender 2000.

W.T.F?! The Blender 2000? A knock off of my majestic Magic Bullet.

"It's not The Magic Bullet!" I wailed.

"It's the same thing! It has all the same parts and it was ten dollars cheaper!"

"BUT IT'S NOT THE MAGIC BULLET!" I protested.

"It does exactly the same thing. Come on, let's try it out."

I took it into the kitchen, read the manual from start to finish, set it all up as per the instructions, and then attempted to make the thing I've been dreaming about - creamy smooth nacho cheese.

On the infomercial, they throw a block of cheese into The Magic Bullet, turn it on and it blends that block down into a creamy dreamy cup of velvet love. Then they pop it into the microwave for a few seconds to heat it up, pour it on to the nacho chips and voila! The perfect party snack.

So I took my block of old cheddar, threw it into the Blender 2000 and started it up.

Literally three seconds into it the motor burned out and caught fire!

"THIS IS NOT THE SAME FUCKING THING! GO TOMORROW AND GET MY MONEY BACK AND THEN GO BUY ME THE MAGIC BULLET!!!!!!!!!"

He tried to protest but I threw a huge tantrum and made him understand that in no uncertain terms, he was to take that piece of shit back to the asshole who sold it to him and get every last penny back.

So he went the next day and got the money back, and then came home with a bunch of Star Wars toys instead.

So my dreams of The Magic Bullet were totally obliterated and I never spoke of it to him again.

....End of back story.

Fast forward to a typical Sunday morning sometime between August and two weeks ago. The Comedian and I are in bed, all snuggled up together talking. We do a lot of talking on Sunday mornings, so at some point along the way, I must have told him about my longings for a real Magic Bullet.

So being the absolutely amazing man that he is, he tucked that story into his brain and when he was out shopping for my birthday gifts, he bought me my personal Holy Grail - the honest to goodness, 100% real, often imitated but never duplicated, MAGIC BULLET!!!

Here's the reaction shot of when I opened it. See? I'm TOTALLY EXCITED!

Anyway, my party yesterday would mark a very important time for me. It was my first birthday with The Comedian, the first one in my new house, and the first birthday in a very long time where my BFFs would be able to attend. I wanted to do something super special. I decided to make the appetizers for my guests.

For those of you who know me in real life, you KNOW how big a deal this is. And for those of you who don't know me, let me summarize - I don't know how to cook, and I've never had the inclination to cook, EVER.

The Magic Bullet has more magic powers than anyone could have ever anticipated.

I made hummus dip served with warm pita bread and two dozen stuffed mushrooms. I was going to make garlic bread but I got nervous about how much I could handle and I just bought that premade instead.

And let me just say, all my appetizers were gobbled up mere moments after I put them out. Blondo was so incredibly proud of me, she couldn't stop smiling and declaring how GOOD everything tasted.

I was extremely proud of myself. Making those appetizers was definitely a turning point, not only in the development of my party hosting skills, but in my life.

And here is the proof!

I still can't find the right words to thank The Comedian for making my birthday absolutely magical.

I'm a very, very lucky girl. :D

Super Fun Birthday Times

2011-02-09T12:12:00.009-05:00

My birthday yesterday was totally awesome. From morning till night, it was super duper wicked AWESOME!

First, the sun was shining brightly! It's been weeks and weeks of cold and overcast. But yesterday morning, there shone a light so bright!

My commute into work was great. The traffic wasn't as ridiculous as usual so I actually got to work on time.

I was taken out to lunch by a good friend, and it was super delicious! It was a design-your-own thai noodle house that I've never been to.

After lunch, I realized I had to renew both my driver's license, and the sticker for my plates. I headed off to a Service Ontario location close to my office.

By my approximation, the entire city of Toronto was waiting to apply/renew/request something. I sent a text to my coworker to let her know that it may take me a bit longer to get back to the office. I walked up to reception, announced I was there to renew my license, and they gave me a number A927.

I watched the numbers coming up on the display boards and it seems as though they were running series A, B, C, D, F, R, S, & T. Gaaaaaaah. I settled in for what could become an ordeal lasting the entire afternoon.

I decided I should comb my hair and put on some lip gloss in preparation for my new driver's license picture. No sooner had I finished putting my brush away, my number suddenly started blinking on the display board!

WOOOOOOOOT!!!!

I marched up to counter #6, handed the clerk my old license, paid my $75, got my picture snapped and was handed my temporary paper license until my new one comes in.

EIGHT MINUTES FLAT!

I was so happy I stopped in at Tim Hortons to get myself a celebratory steeped tea. I took the subway back to the office and slipped back to my desk before anyone really noticed I had been gone.

About an hour later, I was doing a quick Facebook check and in my feed was an update from the Glee fan page. The cast was going on another North American tour this summer. But this time around, they are making a stop in TORONTO!!!! OH EHM GEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!! And tickets would be on sale next week! DOUBLE OH EHM GEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!

I think I actually let out an audible squeal. :D

The rest of the afternoon flew by and before I knew it, I was on the bus headed home. The Comedian was waiting for me at the bus station. He whisked me away to a restaurant for my birthday dinner.

He hadn't revealed our final location as he wanted it to be a surprise.

We pulled into the parking lot of our local Jack Astors, home to a super snazzy Elvis booth which he had reserved for us! YAY!!!!

We ordered these huge fruity yummy drinks, had appetizers, good entrees, and we talked and laughed and laughed some more. The waiters came out with cake for me at the end of our meal and made me stand up and sing "I'm a Little Tea Pot" at the top of my lungs. LOVED IT!!!

On the way home I phoned my Dad to say hi and thank him for giving me half my genetic make up. :)

Once we got home, we watched the new episode of Glee, after which I happily drifted off to sleep.

This was definitely one of the best birthdays ever.

Thirty-six is off to a fabulous start!

Next Category

2011-02-04T16:50:00.003-05:00

My birthday is next week. WOOT!

I remember moments last year in the week leading up to my birthday that sucked, that were awesome, and that were totally awesome.

I also remember getting the best piece of advice on turning 35. I have to admit, I was a bit bummed that night as for me, turning 35 represented crossing past the point of no return with regards to getting married and having babies.

And now I'm just a few days away from turning 36. Again, I am astonished at what a difference a year makes.

The only thing that has sucked was having to chose the next category of age range when signing up for WagJag today. I'm in the 36 - 40 category now. So long 31 - 35! You were a blast.

But other than that, I am still living it and loving it!

Truth Be Told

2011-01-31T10:38:00.003-05:00

Last week was absolutely brutal. I was damn near taken out by a particularly nasty bout with bronchitis.

After my last post, I ended up with a raging fever of 103F. Delirium got the better of me and I blacked out. But not before yelling my fool head off at The Comedian. Apparently I was ranting that he didn't love me. And I was bawling and yelling that I was going to die from drowning in my own phlegm.

Luckily, the wedding is still on. :)

During one of my sick days at home, I managed to pull it together enough to turn on the computer and finally put in the order for my wedding dress.

However, before I clicked send, I had to make a confession to The Comedian.

I had to tell him about this blog.

(And I figured I'd better tell him before I dropped $750 on my dress, just in case he changed his mind and we wouldn't be walking down the aisle after all.)

I took him into the bedroom and sat him down on the bed. For some reason, talking about serious stuff has always come easier when I'm sitting on my bed.

I tried to prepare myself for a big fat freak out on his part. I hmm'd and haaww'd and got all sorts of uncomfortable before I splattered it out.

I explained to him that I started blogging around 2003, but didn't really pick up any sort of steam until I started chronicling my divorce in 2007. That blog morphed into my dating blog, which then morphed into this one.

"Do you write about me?"

I told him he's known as The Comedian. And that a lot of people were extremely thrilled when we became engaged.

He grinned and gave me a kiss.

Then I dropped the little bomb about how explict some of my posts were prior to meeting him. (Remember Funny Guy?)

His grin drooped a little.

"I don't want to read about you being with other men."

Deal.

I asked him if he wanted the link. He just shrugged. I suppose if and when the time comes, he'll ask me for it.

I kissed his sweet face and then happliy skipped back to the computer and clicked send on my dress order.

Bed Bugs

2011-01-21T15:11:00.002-05:00

The Comedian and I were both bed ridden yesterday. I've got bronchitis and he's got the flu.

My poor fiance was running a fever of 101F. He had the chills so bad his entire body was shaking uncontrollably.

Last night was a fitful one of coughing from both of us.

Around 3am he rolled over and croaked, "How are you feeling baby?"

I moaned, "Not the greatest."

We kissed, rolled over, and continued our cough fest well into the morning.

In spite of how sick he is, he still dragged himself out of bed to drive me to the bus station this morning.

I have to make sure to include that only one of us can be sick at a time during the "in sickness and in health" part of our wedding vows.

*cough*

Land of Thai

2011-01-17T11:48:00.002-05:00

Mrs. Magnolia is happily frolicking with elephants and climbing mountains. To follow her adventures, here's a link to her blog: http://www.2sides1story.net

After the morning I've had, I really wish I was on the other side of the world.

First Meltdown

2011-01-16T18:19:00.002-05:00

It was a matter of when, not if, I would have a big fat freak out in my new home.

Since our first weekend together, we vowed we would always have Lazy Sunday (unless of course, there is some family function we have to attend). Lazy Sunday consists of exactly that, laziness. We get up late, stay in our PJs for as long as humanly possible, and relax until we are so stress free we could float away on a cloud.

So this morning was no different than any of the other 25 Sundays we've had together. It was wonderful and relaxing and lovely and warm and fuzzy.

We finally decided to get up and have breakfast around noon. Again, nothing unusual. We were debating between pancakes and omelettes. I opened the fridge to see what was there. I rooted around and found a tupperware container with three pizza slices from a Rock Band party we had last weekend with my brother and sister-in-law.

Seeing as there were only three eggs left, I decided to let him have the eggs and I would have the pizza. Just so you all know, I love pizza in one of three ways:

1. Piping hot, fresh from the delivery place.
2. The next morning after I've left it on the counter over night.
3. Reheated in the oven a few days later.

I do NOT like pizza that has been microwaved. It gets too smooshy for my liking and kinda makes me wanna barf in my own mouth.

So I asked The Comedian if he could help me turn on the oven to reheat my pizza. I still do not know how to work his oven.

"Why are you going to heat up the oven for three little pieces of pizza?"

"Because I want to heat them up."

"Just use the microwave."

"I don't like it in the microwave."

"You can't use that much electricity for three tiny pieces of pizza."

And that was it. I ran into the bedroom, threw myself on the bed and started to bawl my eyes out.

The Comedian followed a few minutes later when he realized what was happening. He was very shocked to see me in such a state.

"Why are you crying?"

The floodgates open and I started to wail about not being allowed to use the oven when I want, not feeling like I'm in my own space, not knowing how to work any of the appliances, not being allowed to keep the heat turned up, not knowing the satellite channels, not having my TiVo hooked up to record my shows, not knowing how to drive from the house to my brother's place in Welland, not having a vet for my cat, not having a nail salon to get a pedicure and not having a life now that I'm having to chase down a bus to get home at night.

Yeah. I guess I've been feeling all these things, but it wasn't until the pizza that I realized how I was feeling.

The Comedian did his best to calm me down. I cried and sobbed and moaned until the tears dried up.

We talked and he understood why I was upset. But he still didn't understand why I had to heat up my pizza in a big oven. He suggested making cupcakes along side reheating the pizza. I think that was a good solution for heating up the oven.

He also suggested we start hanging up some of my framed pictures around the house and that we would dig out the manual for the TiVo and hook it up so I don't miss any more of my soaps.

He's such a good man. I am grateful that I can feel what I'm feeling, and he's right there to help me through it.

Costume Fitting

2011-01-08T10:15:00.004-05:00

Today would have been my 5th wedding anniversary. In honour of the occasion, I tried on my wedding dress, just to see if it still fits.

To my absolute delight, it still fits perfectly - except in the chest. I think my boobs are probably at least a full cup size larger. At this rate, they'll probably be at my knees by 2016.

The Comedian helped me with the zipper and I managed to mash my boobs into it.

"You look gorgeous!"

Awwww. :)

I love that he isn't at all freaked out by the fact that I was trying on my former wedding dress. He sees it the same way I do - a really pretty dress that I happen to have worn when pledging my life long commitment to another man.

Ha! Yet another reason why The Comedian is totally awesome.

After doing a few twirls, I pulled it off and put it back into its bag.

It's such a great dress. Too bad I actually can't wear it anymore. I've put it downstairs in the basement with the rest of my costumes. We've got a closet dedicated to all my Halloween costumes. I've dubbed it "The Costume Shoppe". Yes, shoppe - like an old tyme shoppe.

So if anyone ever needs a really great floor-length red satin dress, I've got one you can totally wear. As long as your boobs are as big as mine were in 2006.

What A Difference A Year Makes

2011-01-05T10:43:00.002-05:00

I was just reading some of my posts from January 2010 and I can't believe how different things are.

I know things change, but usually it's so gradual you hardly notice.

But holy crappo, a mere 12 months ago my life was completely d.i.f.f.e.r.e.n.t. Mr. David anyone? Wow.

The one thing that hasn't changed, which I am very happy to report, is that I'm still a Size 10. And those brown cords are going strong! I wore them yesterday in fact. :)

One thing that is changing that I'm about ready to bawl my eyes out over is that Mrs. Magnolia and her hubby are taking off for Thailand tonight. For SIX MONTHS. I'm super happy they have this amazing opportunity, but I'm super upset because she and I talk like 18 times a day.

There is a slight chance they may stay there for good. However, I'm hoping they can come back at least for my wedding. She's slated to do my make-up after all.

Our motto last year was "Try Again in 2010". And amazingly, I got everything I wanted. Except the damn flat screen TV. :D

This year my motto is most definitely, "2011 Is Heaven".

For the first time in a long time, I'm excited for what the next 12 months shall bring.

Happy New Year!

Puke

2010-12-30T20:31:00.001-05:00

I have the flu.

*cue sympathy violins*

I'm not surprised I have something, given the ridiculous stress and anxiety moving has brought on.

For the first time since in a long time, I barfed from sickness rather than alcohol poisoning.

Happy effing new year to me.

Paranoid

2010-12-21T14:37:00.003-05:00

Ever since I had my wallet stolen, I've become this super paranoid person whenever I'm walking on the street or riding the subway.

I was walking back to the office from my lunch break, when a little old Asian lady tapped me on the shoulder as I stood on the corner waiting for the light to change.

I jumped about 50 feet in the air!! When I finally figured out I wasn't being assaulted, I realized she was asking me directions to an address written on a piece of paper she was holding.

As I leaned over to take a look at the address, I noticed her little old husband move in closer to take a look as well.

Turns out they were only a block off the mark and I sent them on their merry way.

And then I checked my pockets to make sure my wallet and Blackberry were still there.

GAH!! I hate being so hypersensitive! It's one thing to be careful, and it's another thing to be freaked out whenever a human being talks to me.

I hope the new idyllic life I'll be living in St. Catharines will bring me down out of the tree I've climbed into.

Last Call

2010-12-19T22:27:00.005-05:00

This is the end of the road folks. My last weekend as a resident of the Tdot has come to a close. Three more sleeps and I'm gonzo!

Friday night was spent at dinner with my department. Of all the IT shops I've worked in, my coworkers are definitely the coolest cats. We ate at a great place on the Danforth called Mezes. I ate like a pig, which isn't always a good thing, especially when you've got a gig to do immediately afterwards.

As dinner was wrapping up, a lot of people looked too tired and too full to continue east to my gig.

I've grown a thick skin when it comes to people bailing on my gigs. It always starts with, "Oh of course I'll be there!!" But then usually around an hour or two before showtime, I get a ton of "Oh man, I can't go because (insert excuse here)."

And it's okay. I know live music ain't everyone's bag, and it's getting close to the holidays, blah blah blah. So I was totally prepared for zero work peeps to show up.

I left the restaurant about 20 minutes before I was due on stage to start the show (which resulted in a slew of texts from my boys wondering where the heck I was!) resigned in that I'd be singing to the bar flies and the staff. One of my managers was nice enough to give me a lift to the bar. (He couldn't make it to my show as he had family coming in from out of town that night.)

I was helping the boys set up when two of my coworkers showed up. YAY! I immediately bounded over to them to say hello, even though we had just seen each other twenty minutes earlier.

After I finished thanking them for actually showing up, I went back to the stage.

And then about ten minutes later, something happened that has never happened to me in the four years I've been playing with my band.

The rest of my coworkers arrived in one big group!

I think my heart just about burst out of my chest when I saw the twelve of them walk in.

In my mind I was screaming, "You like me! You really like me!" I can only imagine how big the smile was on my face.

They all stayed for a set and a half, which was even more than I could have hoped for. I totally rocked out and they were all duly impressed. :D

As awesome as Friday night was, Saturday night's show was a complete bust. Aside from The Comedian, not one friend showed up. Zero.

Wow.

So much for my big send off. Gah.

The Comedian suggested we rethink who we invite to our wedding. If my friends can't find an hour to come say goodbye to me, maybe they would just bail on our wedding too. And that would end up costing us $$$.

In spite of the fact that none of my friends came, we still had a freaking amazing show. The place was packed so it wasn't like no one was there. I told the crowd this was my last weekend in the city and nothing would make me happier than to watch them rock the dance floor. And they did not disappoint!

This afternoon The Comedian and I went to a performance of The Messiah at Roy Thomson Hall, with the Toronto Symphony Orchestra and The Toronto Mendelssohn Choir. My coworker is in the choir, so it was extra super cool to be there.

I cried a few times during the show. I think it was a combination of the extraordinary performance and the fact that this would be my last show as a resident of the city. From now on, I'll have to make special plans to catch a musical or see the symphony.

I just sent The Comedian home with a car load of stuff. (Gawd, I have a lot of stuff!) Next time, I'll be in the car with him. And that thought cuts through all the sadness around leaving this city for good.

Vacuum

2010-12-17T11:38:00.003-05:00

Sometimes, I just cannot hear what someone is saying.

I have found in the new office, it's even harder for me to hear. It's a half-wall cubicle farm. So there are no tall walls off which one's voice will bounce into my ears. Instead the sound just keeps travelling across the floor.

Coworker: Asd;fasdlkjf?

Me: Pardon?

Coworker: Areasd ljing afwe safmorro?

Me: Excuse me?

Coworker: Are. You. Going. To. Be. In. Tomorrow?

Me: Yup.

I hate to say it but I think it's time I start looking into a hearing aid.

I Just Work Here

2010-12-16T13:32:00.002-05:00

Okay, I know that I'm the bottom rung in my department, but sometimes I just want to climb up a few and smack the people who are higher up than me.

I am an assistant, not their fucking mother.

If someone can't fill in their name on the form that is going to give them overtime pay, then I believe the pay should come directly to me, since I'm the one stuck filling in the pertinent information.

I know exactly how much each person in my department makes. And it makes me sick that the ones who are making $40K/year more than me don't know how to fill in their name on a fucking form!

Is it 5pm yet?

*sigh*

I'm a Winner!

2010-12-15T10:29:00.003-05:00

We had a door decorating contest at work yesterday and my department WON! WHOOOO HOOOOOO!!!

I'm especially proud as I was the one who came up with the idea for the company to have the contest.

I was also the one who drew our prize - a gift card to the LCBO.

Clearly I am able to find booze, no matter what form it takes. :D

Future Forward

2010-12-10T15:15:00.002-05:00

My soon-to-be-sister-in-law told me she's already made her hair appointment for my wedding.

My good friend @CaptainBrownCow told me she's already found the shoes she will be wearing to my wedding.

I think everyone else is way more excited about my pending nuptials than I am.

It's nice to have something to look forward to. :D

Pink Collar Published

2010-12-09T11:46:00.002-05:00

My friend Leslie had an article published in the Globe and Mail.

{{{APPLAUSE}}}

Brava bella!

All He Was Saying

2010-12-08T15:00:00.003-05:00

Maybe in some alternate universe, he is still making music.

All Set

2010-12-07T12:55:00.007-05:00

We've set a date and booked the reception hall. Here is a photo of where we will be rocking the night away.

It's soooooooooo pretty in person. From the moment I walked in, I knew this was *the* place.

Yay!!!!!

I May Actually Be Blonde - Part II

2010-11-30T16:26:00.004-05:00

Seeing as I moved all my furniture on Saturday, I had nothing left to sleep on at the apartment. So The Comedian and I took a trip to Canadian Tire and purchased an inflatable mattress.

I didn't get back from St. Catharines until yesterday morning. I had to get up at 5:30am, leave by 5:50am in order to get into Toronto by 7:30am, and still have enough time to shower and head in to work.

So by the time I got home from work yesterday, my brain was pretty much a puddle of mush.

I pulled the air mattress out of the box and read the instructions - twice.

I started pumping the foot pump vigorously.

Pump, pump, pump....

The mattress was starting to fill slowly but it looked like it wasn't getting much bigger.

Pump, pump, pump....

Twenty minutes later, I started to think perhaps there was a hole in my brand new mattress. So I stopped pumping and started to look for the hole.

I found the hole right away. It was the large release valve on the side which was uncapped.

GAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

I screwed on the cap and 10 seconds later the mattress was inflated.

I suck. (However, I will use sheer exhaustion in my defense.)

Best Day Ever!

2010-11-29T14:37:00.003-05:00

We moved all my stuff down to The Comedian's place on Saturday and after unloading the truck, we ordered pizza for all the helpers. We sat around drinking, eating and laughing (thank goodness there was laughter after all that moving) and at around 6:30pm, our guests headed home.

I was all ready to start unpacking and organizing when The Comedian told me he received a text from his best friend saying he and his wife were going to drop by the house with a card to congratulate us on the move. I thought that was very nice and so I put down the box I had started attacking and headed to the couch.

The Comedian then suggested that he greet his buddy in the Elvis jumpsuit he'd worn for Halloween. "He didn't get a chance to see me in the suit." I thought that would be hilarious and awesome for him to answer the door as Elvis.

So I hung out in the bedroom as he was getting changed. I asked him if he'd like me to do up his hair like I did for Halloween. "No, it's okay. It's too short now anyway."

We headed back to the living room and he started to describe how he would like to sing an Elvis song to me at our wedding reception. We'd discussed this idea before but this time he went into more detail.

"Depending on where we have the reception, I hope the stage would have a curtain because I want to come out from behind it in my suit."

He dropped an Elvis CD into the stereo, cued up "Can't Help Falling in Love" and then went in behind the drapes that hang in the window in the living room.

He popped out as the song began and I started to laugh. It was so cute!

He was singing along to the song and doing a little performance for me. He took my hand and we started to dance in the living room. The whole time I'm thinking we're just filling time waiting for his friends to arrive.

Near the end of the song, he twirled me around to face the Christmas tree. And at the end of the song, he took the red scarf he was wearing and draped it around my neck, and then he dropped down to one knee. I'm still thinking "awww, he's so adorable".

While he was still holding my hand, he twisted around and was fiddling with something under the tree.

"What are you doing honey?"

He turned back around with a white box in his hand.

"Will you marry me?"

He opened the box and there was the ring!

At this point my brain turned off and the tears started pouring out of my head. I am not really sure what happened after that. I think I said, "Sure!" and he put the ring on my finger. I just kept crying and laughing and hugging and kissing him. I remember saying, "Thank you" a lot! LOL

I think it took me close to a half hour before I calmed down enough to stop crying. And then I remembered that I should probably call my Dad and my brothers. Dad answered on the first ring - he was absolutely thrilled with the news. My brothers did not answer, but I did get a text from Nugget a little later asking what was up. So I phoned him with the news, and of course he & my soon-to-be-sister-in-law, aka the woman responsible for everything were both very happy. I still have yet to talk to my other brother and sis-in-law, but I left it as a voicemail for them.

After phoning a few other people, we popped open a bottle of champagne to celebrate!

I have to thank The Comedian for making me the happiest girl in the world. And he turned what was a very stressful and emotional day for me into the best day ever! It was absolutely the most perfect proposal and it will be a moment I will always treasure! I can't wait to tell this story to our kids!

Looking back on everything I've been through over the last four years, I can hardly believe this is even happening to me. I never thought I could be so happy. I never thought I could meet the man who is truly my soul mate.

I will wake up every morning for the rest of my life and thank everything that is good, for having him and having the chance to finally live the life I've only dreamed of.

Pack Rat

2010-11-25T22:14:00.002-05:00

I. Have. Too. Much. Stuff.

I don't know how the hell it fits in 525 sq.ft. but it does. I have TONS and TONS of stuuuuuuuuufffffffffffff.

I am a known pack rat. This stems directly from the fact that I have only a handful of items that belonged to my mother. So my brain twisted that into me not being able to throw anything away.

If I were to die tomorrow, the person stuck going through all my shit would know exactly who I was, where I've been, who my friends were, what televisions shows I watched and pretty much everything else under the sun that makes up the mosaic that is Paprika Spice.

As I've been packing, I really have tried to throw stuff away. And I just can't bear to do it.

I've got a ton of magazine articles, posters and pictures on a lot of my favourite celebrities, films and television shows. I have stuff from grade school, high school and university. I have pictures of myself and my family from years gone by. I have keepsakes and ornaments and memorabilia.

And all of it is totally awesome!!!

Gaaaaaaaaahhhhh........ I should get back to packing now. :P

Memories

2010-11-23T20:34:00.001-05:00

I have a massive wood hutch that is part of the dining room set that belonged to my mother. The table and chairs are at my Dad's house.

The hutch is the guardian of my keepsakes, many from childhood.

I am in the process of packing, so I have to empty the beast of my treasures before The Comedian and his brother-in-law come to move it on Saturday.

Of course I've been stopping to look through some of the stuff.

Bad move.

Note to self: Stop looking at this stuff because you will lose your fucking mind.

I found the proofs for my high school graduation photos (I never ordered any as we couldn't afford them), my acceptance letter to university along with a scholarship letter for $1,400 (that was a lot back in 1994) and a Christmas card from 1984, the year my mom passed away.

The Christmas card was from my Grade 3 teacher from Malta. We had gone there because my mother wanted to die surrounded by her family. That teacher knew the situation and took it upon herself to look after me and make sure I was doing okay at school.

She was kind enough to send me a card after we had come back to Canada, which was about six months later.

I don't think I ever wrote her back. But I was nine years old, and I had just lost my mother. I suppose my teacher would have understood.

That card has set off a waterfall of tears. I've been bawling my eyes out for the last half an hour. I decided to stop and blog because I needed something to distract me long enough so I can calm down.

....breathe....

Is It Me?

2010-11-20T17:37:00.005-05:00

I went to dinner last night with my friend Shylah and she was feeling super queasy. So we left the restaurant before she blew chunks.

Today I attended a performance of Priscilla Queen of the Desert with my friend Marie. She felt super queasy and had to leave at intermission.

Why are my friends wanting to barf when I'm around?

I hope they both feel better soon!!

(And I really hope I don't get it!)

Release Me

2010-11-14T20:09:00.005-05:00

This afternoon, The Comedian and I met with his cousin, The Monsignor. We started the paperwork to get ourselves married in the Catholic Church. Which means the Church has to officially release me from my first marriage. I'm lucky in that I wasn't married in the Church, otherwise I'd have to go through the annulment process which is apparently way worse than being simply released.

Although this is supposedly simple, I wish I had known exactly what was about to transpire so I could have been better prepared emotionally.

For about an hour, it felt like I was being interrogated by the FBI on behalf of God. I had to answer all sorts of questions about my first marriage, my ex, his family and their religious participation (or lack thereof). It really really SUCKED that my stupid ex is all over my petition to the Church.

At one point, I just about started bawling. The Monsignor had asked, "Why did you get married in Las Vegas?"

Seriously? Are all those details actually necessary? Shouldn't God know all this?

I sheepishly answered, "I love Elvis, and I wanted to get married by Elvis." I managed to keep the tears from squeezing themselves out of my eyeballs. He didn't flinch and wrote my answer down word for word.

I was about two seconds from calling the whole thing off when The Monsignor changed his line of fire to target The Comedian. Because he's never been married before, he answered a grand total of four questions - name, parents names, faith and intended date of ceremony. Gah. That'll teach me to have a previous marriage.

We signed and dated the papers. And at that moment, it struck me that today would have been my Mom's 72nd birthday.

She most definitely has her hand in this union.

With that, The Monsignor told us to come back in a few months to pick out the readings and the music for the ceremony. He put our wedding date into his calendar and that was that.

I cried all the way home in the car. The Comedian didn't really know what to do, which was fine. I just needed to bawl about the fact that my past transgressions are now on my permanent record with God.

Forgive me Father, for I was naive. I promise I won't be stupid again.

I May Actually Be Blonde

2010-11-13T10:57:00.006-05:00

Just hand me the "Dumbest Move of 2010" award right now.

In the morning, it's never a straight line for me from waking up to leaving for work. It's always been a challenge for me to stay focused on getting ready. There are so many more fun things to be doing instead of showering, getting dressed and eating breakfast.

So yesterday morning was another such frenetic one. I was doing everything but getting ready.

I looked at the time and saw it was about 5 minutes until I had to be stepping out the door and I was still sitting there in my bathrobe.

I jumped up, whipped my bathrobe off and threw it on the couch. I ran into my bedroom, threw on some clothes and then headed into the bathroom to brush my teeth. Then I ran back and grabbed my bathrobe and hung in on the back of the bathroom door.

I got my coat and shoes on, picked up my purse and had just step out of the door when I suddenly realized I didn't have my keys.

Well this isn't anything new. There's been a million times I've physically stepped outside my apartment without keys in hand. But I always take that moment to pause and check before letting the door shut and lock.

I checked the usual pocket for my keys and they weren't there.

Then I checked my coat pocket. Not there.

Then I went back inside and check on the couch, which is where they usually land after coming home and chucking them.

Not. There.

Okay, now I was a little panicked but again, this wasn't unusual as sometimes they fall off the couch or the cat gets at them.

I got down on my hands and knees to look under the couch.

NOT THERE.

And this is the part where I pulled off my coat and proceeded to rip apart my apartment.

They were 100000000% NO WHERE TO BE FOUND!!

I messaged my coworker and asked to her let my boss know the situation and that I was going to be late for work.

I tried thinking about what I had done with them after unlocking my door. I remember noticing a piece of paper under my door and becoming distracted by.

Maybe I had left them in the doorknob?

I had done this once before in the building before moving here. The neighbours across the hall grabbed them and gave them to my super.

So I called my super to see if maybe this was the case.

Voicemail.

AHHHHHHH!!

I had to get a hold of her to figure out if a) she had my keys and b) if not, to get the spare set off her.

Half an hour later, she was at my door with the spare set. No one had turned in my keys.

Grrrrrrr.

I spent the whole day at work being miserable and worried that my crazy neighbour across the hall snagged them and would be waiting for me in my bed when I arrived home after work.

Turns out he wasn't waiting for me, but my super was with the new keys. She changed my locks so that I would have some peace of mind.

She handed me the shiny new key to match my shiny new deadbolt and shiny new doorknob (They really are shiiiiiiiiiny!). I thanked her and apologized for the ruckus of the morning and the trouble of having to change the locks.

I shut and locked the front door behind her and then went into the bathroom.

I shut the bathroom door and sat down on the toilet, which faces the door.

And then a miracle happened.

My keys were suddenly dangling before my very eyes.

They somehow had managed to wrap themselves around the belt of my bathrobe, hidden by the sleeve. I didn't notice the keys when I had hung my bathrobe back up. The keys had been hanging there all day!!!!

GAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I finished my business and then phoned my super to let her know I'd found them.

I don't think I've heard her laugh that hard in the 4 years I've been living here.

*sigh*

Another Sister

2010-11-12T06:51:00.004-05:00

Last night, my little brother Nugget phoned me with the fantastic news that he proposed to his girlfriend!!!

YAY!!!! I'm getting another sister!!!! :D

And here is the mammoth 1.5 carat diamond ring my brother presented her with. She is a huge fan of blue diamonds. All I can say is WOW.

Looks like Summer 2011 may be a really busy one for my family!!

For The Fallen

2010-11-11T15:43:00.001-05:00

I will never forget the fallen. Their sacrifice gave me freedom.

Cultural Divide

2010-11-09T09:52:00.004-05:00

Pretty much every Tim Hortons I've been to in the city of Toronto has their front line workers made up of predominantly Asian people, more specifically Filipinos.

I go to a new Tim's now that my office has moved from one side of the core to the other. I've noticed something that while not glaringly obvious, does exist and quite frankly shocks me.

Being a really busy location, they have two lines serviced by three workers each. One is on the cash, and two are fulfilling the beverage order.

And what struck me was that one line had three Caucasian workers, and the other line had three Asian workers. I see the same set of workers grouped together every single morning.

I also noticed that more Caucasians lined up to be served by the Caucasian workers even when the line up to the Asian workers was shorter.

People's prejudices are plain as day.

Band Betrayal

2010-11-08T16:49:00.003-05:00

I'm really fucking mad at my bass player.

A month ago, I emailed him and the rest of my band to let them know of a contest the LCBO was running. Entitled "Whisky Soul", they were looking for people to reinterpret a song written by Matt York. Prizes include studio time, a PR person to work with your band, and booze.

My email had the subject line "I WANNA DO THIS!" and I went on to say how totally awesome this would be and that I really, really, REALLY wanted to take a crack at it. My bass player emailed back and said, "Awesome, let's do it".

And then I heard nothing else from him or the rest of the band.

I was at dinner last week with Beaner when my cell phone rang. It was my bass player.

BP: Don't call me a traitor.

P: Okay I won't. Why?

BP: Well, me and *another singer and another band* put up a video for the whisky contest.

P: (silence)

BP: You're gonna vote for us right?

P: No I'm not going to vote for you, TRAITOR.

Now it's no secret that the guys in my band are also in other bands. We've had many a-gig we've had to decline because someone had been booked the same night with another band. That's never bothered me.

BUT THIS BOTHERS ME.

He didn't even know about the contest until I told him. And he knew how much I wanted to do it.

What this tells me is a) he clearly doesn't give a shit about my feelings, b) he likes the other singer and band better and c) he's a fucking asshole.

He and I have had minor disagreements over the four years we've been in the band together. But this takes the fucking cake.

I'm so pissed right now I don't even know how I'm going to perform on Friday without kicking a hole into his stand-up bass.

For those of you who know me in real life, if he comes sniffing around asking for votes, please tell him to eat shit on my behalf.

Help From Above

2010-11-04T19:23:00.004-04:00

The Comedian and I are going to be married by his cousin, in the largest cathedral in St. Catharines.

This cathedral also happens to be the one I was baptized in, and the one my family regularly attended before my Mom passed away.

I really think my Mom had something to do with aligning the stars for The Comedian and me to meet.

And I'm pretty sure she's really happy about where we'll be tying the knot.

Twisty Tie Engagement

2010-11-03T11:51:00.005-04:00

The Comedian and I went shopping a few weeks ago for *the* ring. Here's what I picked out:

And since then, I've been bugging him about when I'm getting it. I'd like to have it sooner rather than later because a) it's PRETTY and b) we're moving in together.

He really wants to surprise me with it. And I'm like, why bother? I know what I'm getting because I picked it out.

I know I should be a little more romantic about it, seeing as this is his first marriage. And I've been there, done that.

However, I've never been known to be a patient person. So I've been working the ring into any of our conversations. For example:

Comedian: It's a really nice day out.

Paprika: Yes it is. But you know what would make it even nicer?

Comedian: What?

Paprika: My engagement ring. It would sparkle so nicely in the sunlight.

But instead of getting exasperated, he thinks I'm funny! Another reason why he's the perfect guy for me.

So this past Saturday, he presented me with a place holder.

So cute eh?! I've been wearing it every day and believe it or not, people actually ask about it. So I tell them it's the place holder until the real one arrives. Everyone loves it!

And honestly, if this is the only ring I get, I will wear it proudly. As pretty as jewelery is, I love him so much more.

Why Can't He Just Disappear?

2010-11-01T11:13:00.002-04:00

I got a message from a friend of mine via Facebook. He told me that received a LinkedIn request from my ex-husband.

"I'm actually at a loss for words."

Yeah, me too.

So of course, I logged into LinkedIn and trolled his "professional" page.

I want to fucking scream. Everything on there was taken from the resume I did for him. This takes me right back to here.

Why is it that after almost 4 years of being separated, he's STILL popping up?

FUCK OFF AND DIE WILL YOU?!?! Okay, maybe not die, seeing as he has three children. And as much of a dick as he is, I would never wish those kids to be without their father.

FUCK OFF AND I HOPE YOU GET AN ITCHY STD TO PASS TO YOUR STUPID WIFE.

Why, why, WHY can't he just stay the hell out of my life?

Fun Fun Fun

2010-10-31T23:54:00.007-04:00

Oh Halloween, I love you so much!

Here we are as Janis & Elvis:

Here we are as Rizzo & Danny:

Hope your Halloween was spook-tacular! :)

My Foot Is Sore

2010-10-29T22:09:00.002-04:00

Since getting my tattoo last week, my foot has swelled and bruised and the tattoo has wept.

I've never had this experience with a tattoo. And it's not like I'm new at this. I had 7 tattoos done before this one so I felt pretty confident in what to expect.

Um yeah, it feels like a horse stomped on my foot. I'm quite surprised at the amount of pain I'm experiencing. Usually I can just walk around with a broken foot and not really notice.

I googled "foot tattoo healing" and I don't like what I read. Apparently the foot is the most difficult spot on the body to heal after a tattoo.

Ugh.

But even if I had known this prior to getting it done, I still would have gotten it on my foot.

And even having said that, I think I'm allowed to complain a bit.

Oh Toronto

2010-10-26T11:08:00.000-04:00

Self-inflected wounds always bleed the hardest.

Geez Toronto....

Now I'm really, REALLY glad I'm moving.

New Faces

2010-10-25T13:24:00.004-04:00

Ontario goes to the polls today for municipal elections. There are a whopping 40 candidates in the Toronto race. That's just not necessary.

I voted in the advanced polls a few weeks ago and got to try out the nifty new touch screen polling stations.

I threw my vote to Joe Pantalone, aka Joey Pants, aka the deputy mayor. The polls say he's got no real shot at winning but I don't care. At least I will have the right to complain when someone else wins because I actually cast my vote.

But I will only have a new Toronto mayor for nine weeks. And then, my mayor will be whoever the residents of St. Catharines elect.

I really hope that jackass Rob Ford doesn't win. Because even though I won't be living in the Tdot anymore, my friends still will be and I don't want the city to suck even worse after I'm gone.

Oh Go Suck On It

2010-10-22T11:24:00.001-04:00

"I'm always shocked by people who talk about not being middle-aged...People are always like, 'Thirty-five is not middle-aged.' I'm like, 'Double it.' "

– Julianne Moore, who turns 50 in December, to Allure.

20 10 2010

2010-10-20T20:10:00.003-04:00

Today is cool for three reasons.

The first reason is the date - 20·10·2010. And please note, I've posted this at 20:10 (8:10pm for those who aren't down with the military way of telling time).

The second reason is today a bunch of people banded together to raise awareness on an important issue affecting LGBT youth - suicide because of bullying.

It's #SpiritDay and those participating have worn purple and changed their Facebook and Twitter profile pictures to this:

The internet is awesome for grassroots movements. Earlier this month it began on YouTube with the "It Gets Better" project.

I have a lot of LGBT friends who I'm sure were bullied as teens. But they made it through those awful years and became the super awesome, fun loving people they are today. People I am proud to call friends and who I love with all my heart.

To all the LGBT youth - BE PROUD! We love you exactly as you are. And I promise, it gets better!

And to all those bullies out there - go suck a lemon. Seriously. Every time you open your mouth to say something mean, stick a lemon in it and suck until you get canker sores.

And the third reason is because I got a tattoo to honour Jelly's mom.

That's How He Rolls

2010-10-19T14:16:00.003-04:00

I went up to Yonge & Eglinton to meet a former coworker for lunch today. Y&E has to be one of the busiest intersections in all of Toronto, both traffic and pedestrians.

There was a young man in a wheelchair in front of me as we both crossed Eglinton, moving north on the west side of Yonge.

As we got to the corner, there was a large group of people waiting to cross east who were blocking the sidewalk.

Most of them were aware enough to move out of the way. However, there was one douche ticket who stood his ground.

So the guy in the wheelchair did the only thing that should have been done - rolled right over that asshole's foot! I laughed so loud! I was gonna high five the guy for his awesomeness but he wheeled away pretty fast.

I hope that asshat learned his lesson. Don't fuck with physically challenged people. They are way more badass than anyone gives them credit for.

It's All Good

2010-10-18T11:29:00.003-04:00

My Dad loves me again.

We saw him briefly on Saturday afternoon and we had dinner with him last night. He was totally normal again. He gave me big hugs and kisses the way he always does when he sees me. He was engaged in the conversation at dinner and had a big smile on his face.

Whew.

I hope he never gets mad at me again.

Sweet Face

2010-10-14T09:33:00.003-04:00

The subway ride into work can be really interesting and wonderful - that is, when I'm not being shoved, stepped on and/or yelled at.

This morning I had a small, sweet moment on the train.

There was a young, black woman with Down Syndrome standing just across from me. She was wearing a pink raincoat, blue jeans, and a Hannah Montana backpack. She was listening to a CD Walkman. Yup, an honest-to-goodness Walkman.

As people boarded the train, she would smile and make eye contact with them. When another black woman boarded, she struck up a conversation with her. Her eyes were wide and bright, like she was talking to a much loved older sister.

As she got off at Spadina station, be-bopping to the music in her headphones, the rest of the riders made way for her to exit.

I wish everyone would be that kind every day to everybody.

Cold Turkey

2010-10-12T12:01:00.001-04:00

On Saturday night we had our family Thanksgiving dinner at my little brother and girlfriend's new house.

My Dad hasn't spoken to me since the email I sent him last week. I knew I would be met with a less than friendly reception, however I didn't anticipate he would just flat out ignore me. He ignored my sister-in-law as well, who had taken my side in the battle.

I forced him into a hug when he arrived, after which he plunked himself down on the arm chair, away from the rest of us.

The rest of us were drinking, nibbling on snacks and chatting before dinner. He just sat there, silent.

At dinner, I made sure to sit beside him so that I could force him into a conversation. And yeah, he gave me two word answers to everything I asked him. He should have saved himself the effort of forming actual words and just grunted angrily at me.

The minute dessert was finished, he got up to leave. I again, forced him into a hug. He shook The Comedian's hand and said it was nice to see him. At least his anger didn't extend on to my boyfriend by association.

I hope my Dad gets over this sooner rather than later. I know what I did was awful, but I had no choice. His safety was my number one concern. I hope he knows I did it out of love for him.

Another Angel

2010-10-09T10:45:00.002-04:00

I just received the devastating news of the passing of Jelly's mother.

She was like a second mother to me. I've called her "Mommy" since high school. She loved me as if I were one of her own.

She loved music. That's one of the things we bonded over. She took me to many musicals in high school. One of my favourite memories was seeing "Forever Plaid" with her at Art Park in Lewiston, NY. I was actually brought on to the stage at one point in the show and joined the cast for a rendition of "Heart and Soul". She was so proud of me!

She loved to travel. She went to Japan around the time I was graduating from high school. I remember sitting around the kitchen table, practicing conversational Japanese with her. We learned how to ask where the bathroom is and how to order beer. She brought me back these, which I have kept to this day.

She has been suffering from MS since the late eighties. She was diagnosed as chronic progressive. She eventually ended up in a wheelchair and later in a nursing home.

I can't remember when it was that I saw her last. I think it was in the spring of this year. Jelly and I went to see her at the nursing home.

We sat around and talked and ate chocolate and then took her outside to the courtyard. We sat under the gazebo and talked and laughed and then she got tired. We wheeled her back to her room and made sure to get her what she needed before we left.

I gave her a hug and a kiss and told her she looked great.

"Bye Mommy, see you soon!"

"See you soon Paprika!"

I never got around to visiting again. And I am so heart broken that I didn't.

The worst part of this story was that Jelly was in Florida when her mom passed away. This was the first vacation she's ever taken with her husband and kids. And I know one of the reasons it took until now for them to take a vacation is because Jelly had to be around to take care of her mother. Jelly has been her mother's primary care giver for the better part of Jelly's adult life.

I wish I could transport myself to Jelly's side, scoop her up, and tuck her inside my heart to protect her.

There isn't going to be a formal funeral as she didn't want everyone to stand around crying over her. She's already been cremated and her ashes will be interred by the family on Tuesday. There will be a memorial service at the church she used to attend in our hometown on Saturday October 16th. My family, The Comedian, Blondo and I will all of course be there.

I think she's up in heaven hanging out with my mom now. They are probably singing songs together and watching over me and Jelly.

RIP JRS. Sweet dreams. xoxoxo

BOOM

2010-10-05T14:32:00.003-04:00

Over the last week and a half, I've been dealing with a family crisis. My father decided it would be a good idea to welcome in a homeless woman to help her "get back on her feet". This woman is a known drug user and prostitute. But somehow she managed to convince my kind-hearted father she is simply misunderstood.

I cannot describe to you the shit storm this has stirred up between my father, myself, my brothers and all our significant others.

My father is mad at all of us for questioning his judgement. Seriously Dad? SERIOUSLY?!

My brothers are mad at me for going immediately to red alert upon learning of this. Seriously Brothers? SERIOUSLY?!

My brothers' significant others are mad at my brothers for not going immediately to red alert. Good girls!

And The Comedian has been my rock in all of this. He has been kind, supportive and completely calm through out. I'm seriously shocked he has not broken up with me at this point after witnessing a screaming match between me and one of my brothers on Sunday night.

Today I decided to throw down the gauntlet to end this insanity once and for all. I sent a lengthy email copying everyone on it making it clear to my father that if he does not tell this woman to leave immediately, I will cut him out of my life forever. I told him he had to choose, and if he chose her, that would be the end of our relationship.

The email was mean and nasty and 100% an ultimatum. But I would rather deal with the fall out from that than having to deal with the police phoning me to tell me they've recovered my father's body because that woman's pimp came by looking for his money and drugs.

The email worked. Within two hours, my father sent an email confirming the woman is now gone. I'm not sure how mad he really is at me because he signed the email "Love, Dad" as he always does in every email he's ever sent to me.

However my brothers hate me now and sent me separate emails to that effect. According to both of them, I'm a horrible person for forcing my father into a corner, my email was out of line and completely uncalled for and I should apologize immediately.

But I'm not going to. Because I knew it would be the only way to get through to my father. I'm just glad he didn't prove me wrong because I know how stubborn he can be. I was only 99% sure he'd pick me over that woman.

I don't think we'll be having Thanksgiving dinner as a family this weekend....

More Reasons Why Toronto Sucks

2010-09-28T17:05:00.001-04:00

Here are more reasons why I should get the hell out of Toronto ASAP:

* Having some bitch yell, "WATCH IT" at me as I bumped past her idiotically huge back pack on a packed subway train during rush hour. Seriously?! TAKE YOUR PACK OFF BIATCH AND THEN YOU WOULDN'T BE TAKING UP THE SPACE OF TWO AND A HALF PEOPLE.

* Anyone who has ever stood in front of an empty seat on a packed streetcar/subway/bus. IF YOU SIT DOWN, ONE MORE PERSON CAN GET ON!

* Standing under a semi-enclosed canopy on TTC property while waiting for a streetcar, and having three assholes light cigarettes, RIGHT UNDER A NO SMOKING SIGN! OBVIOUSLY YOU DOUCHES ARE UNABLE TO READ PICTURES!

* Having to write a letter to my building owner demanding he pay to repaint my car seeing as nobody has done or said anything about it in the four weeks since it first happened. LET ME SEE HOW YOU LIKE IT IF I THROW PAINT ON YOUR CAR!

* And this guy. If he wins the mayoral election, I'm moving to Arkansas. Because the red necks there have more class than he does.

I think I'm getting an ulcer.

We're Still Friends

2010-09-27T11:26:00.003-04:00

The Comedian and I attended our first NHL game together on Saturday - Leafs vs Sabres at the HSBC Arena in Buffalo. It was a pre-season game, but a live game nonetheless!

Blondo and her hubby came with us. A bonafide double date! Mr. Blondo is a big Leafs fan as well. Blondo and I figured since we'll be hockey widows, at least we can suffer in our misery together.

I warned The Comedian that I am a Sabres girl and that my team was gonna KILL his team!!!

He was a very good sport about it all. Even when I did the Running Man for a victory dance after the Sabres' third and winning goal.

I'm glad we can love teams that are mortal enemies, and still be best friends. :D

Afterwards we ended up in Blondo's basement for drinks and cards. We turned a modified version of rummy into a drinking game. Our poison was shots of Amarula. The person who loses the round would have to take a shot.

Since The Comedian was driving, I was his drinking designate. And let me tell you, even with my expert help, he is tragically terrible at cards.

The funniest moment of the evening came from Blondo. She wanted to read us the label on the back of the Amarula bottle. She said she had discovered something about it the day before that she wanted to share with us.

She began reading about the mystical properties of the Marula tree, the fruit from which is used in the drink.

"It is a drink that is flavoured by elephants! Can you believe that? What do the elephants do to flavour the drink? I think they must pee on the trees!"

We laughed at the idea of the elephant pee seeping through the soil and into the roots of the tree and flavouring the fruit which ultimately ended up in the shots we'd been drinking.

The Comedian interjected with, "Maybe the elephants just favour the tree?"

All of us stopped and thought about that.

"Are you sure you're reading that label correctly?"

She grabbed the bottle and peered at the label. And then she looked up at us and turned a bright shade of red.

I grabbed the bottle from her and confirmed it. A drink FAVOURED by the elephants!!! Not FLAVOURED!!!

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA!!!!

Mr. Blondo pointed out that she had been so convinced of this, she even posted it to her Facebook status the day before. I think we laughed for about 10 minutes straight.

I love my BFF (Blondest Friend Forever)!!! :D

Apparently I Hate Myself

2010-09-24T15:45:00.002-04:00

I could not fall asleep last night. It took me until about 3am before finally passing out.

And in the short four hours of sleep I did manage to get, it was filled with nightmares about my presentation being a complete disaster.

I woke up with a mammoth zit on the side of my chin. At least that took away some of the focus from the scabby mess that is my bottom lip.

On the bright side, my presentation got two thumbs up.

I'm *this* close to collapsing at my desk.

T-minus ten minutes until home time. I get to leave early today because 1) I didn't get my lunch break and 2) one of my managers is having an end of summer BBQ at his place for our department.

I will try very hard not to get completely bombed off one glass of wine. I still have a long drive ahead of me later to see The Comedian.

TGIF!

Cold Sores and Ring Worm

2010-09-23T23:26:00.004-04:00

I have a big presentation tomorrow that I have been working on all week.

In honour of this, my lip busted out in a cold sore which has left me looking like someone punched me in the mouth. I can see everyone staring at it because it's just freaking huge and a bloody mess.

I also managed to convince myself that I had ringworm.

A few days ago I was sitting at my desk, working on my presentation and tearing out my hair because the phone would not stop ringing. As I was on a call, I noticed my left arm was super itchy.

I looked down and saw this (FYI, this is a Google image, and not my actual arm):

I recognized it immediately as I studied this in the many years of biology I took in university.

So of course I googled it just to make sure and yup, that is the classic clinical presentation of ringworm.

How on earth would I have contracted ringworm? Did I catch it from my cat? Did I catch it from The Comedian's dog? Did I eat too many mushrooms? How the hell was I gonna get this treated? I still haven't found the time to get to the lab for blood work that my doctor ordered three weeks ago.

The phone started ringing again, and again, and again. Then it was time for lunch which I just ended up eating at my desk because I had to keep working on my presentation.

I looked at my arm again and saw that my ringworm was gone.

I guess it was just an impression from my MedicAlert bracelet that usually ends up sticking to my arm, right around that same spot.

Yes, I know. I'm insane. But can you blame me?

My Rock

2010-09-20T11:01:00.004-04:00

I took The Comedian to a matinee performance of Rock of Ages yesterday afternoon. It was his first time seeing the show, and my fourth!

I'm happy to report he absolutely loved it!

Afterwards, we hit up a local pub for some dinner and drinks. I had the foresight to create a Facebook event and invited a bunch of my GTA peeps to come out and meet The Comedian. And I'm happy to report 10 of my friends showed up!

I joked that we should have set up an individual autograph and photo session for everyone who showed up. Because yes, my friends came out for him, and not me. Which is fine. I am happy to share the spotlight with the man I love.

We were all laughing, drinking and eating when all of a sudden, I couldn't breathe. My throat closed up and I was certain in that moment, I had reached the end of my life.

The room started to flip as I gasped for air. I went into panic mode. My heart started to thump really fast and I could feel adrenaline coursing through every vein in my body.

And suddenly my throat opened up. I'm sure the whole process took a matter of seconds, but it felt like minutes.

No one noticed anything was happening until I asked for some water. The Comedian took one look at me and I could see panic in his eyes.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm not sure. I couldn't breathe for a moment. And now I have a sharp pain in my throat."

I showed him where it felt like someone was sticking me with a knife.

"Do you want to go to the doctor?"

"I'm not sure. I don't know what's happening right now."

I drank more water and tried to calm down. My heart was still racing and my throat felt tight. The sharp stabbing pain was happening intermittently.

After a few minutes, the pain subsided, but my throat was still tight and I was feeling lightheaded.

"I think some blue cheese snuck into our nachos."

You see folks, blue cheese contains the same mold as penicillin. And I am deathly allergic to penicillin.

The Comedian wanted to throw me over his shoulder and run me to a hospital. I assured him that I wasn't getting any worse. The last thing I wanted to do was spend an evening in the ER waiting to be seen. I figured as long as I was still breathing, I would eventually get over whatever the hell I was reacting to.

For the next hour I was okay-ish.

And then the throat pain came back viciously. It was no longer intermittent, but constant.

At this point I had to cut the evening short. I apologized to my friends for having to leave. They all hugged me and wished me better.

The whole way home on the subway I was feeling like something had sucked my life force out of me. I even fell asleep at one point. My body was shutting down and I had no idea why.

Once we got back to my apartment, I immediately changed into my pajamas and crawled into bed. The Comedian stayed right by my side, asking if I needed anything, or if I wanted to go to the hospital.

"I'm staying tonight."

"You can't. You have to work tomorrow morning."

"I don't care. I'm not leaving you until I know you're fine. If something happened to you and I wasn't here to help you..."

I saw a tear slide out from his eye.

All together now - AWWWWWWW!!!

But really, wow. Seeing how worried he was about me made me feel like no matter what happened, I would be okay.

We snuggled and watched TV for the next couple of hours. I ended up feeling almost 100% back to normal. I assured him I was fine and that he should go before it got too late.

It was almost midnight by the time he left. I got a text from him around 1:30am saying he'd made it home safe and sound.

I still don't know what the hell happened. I hope it never happens again. But if it does, I know I will be fine, because I have him by my side.

$5000 Photo Shoot

2010-09-17T07:50:00.008-04:00

I finally went through all my wedding stuff last night. I threw out the champagne glasses we used for our first toast as husband and wife, a commemorative mug that had a wedding picture and the date printed on it, a pewter sculpture of a man and woman embracing, a "2006" ornament, a mini-license plate from the Vegas M&M store depicting two M&Ms getting married, a mini white limo toy which represented the limo we took to the ceremony, the rose that was his boutonniere and the roses from my bouquet which had been perfectly preserved in a shadow box.

I got to all the photos and was about to start tearing them to pieces when I decided I had spent way too much money on those pictures to just rip them up. In total, the wedding cost me about $5,000. Please note, I did say it cost ME, and not us, because I was the breadwinner in that marriage and had shelled out the cash (and plastic) for the whole shebang. (Man, my ex had a really sweet deal - a wife who never pressured him to hold a steady job, and never made him feel bad about it either. But I digress.)

And aside from the expense, I looked pretty damn hot in the photos. I loved my hair and my dress and I looked like I was glowing. As much as my marriage sucked and made me miserable, the one shining moment was the actual wedding day. I truly was having the happiest day of my life.

I decided to keep some of the pictures. I carefully tore him out of each one and kept my half. I also decided to keep the DVD of the ceremony, only because the Elvis who married us was really awesome and I got to sing with him at the end.

Here is the art piece I created in the shadow box that once held my bouquet.

I really like how it turned out! It has been placed inside my hutch, out of sight to the general public. Maybe one day when I'm famous, I will auction it off for charity. The opening bid will be set at $5,000. :)

The best part of all this happened just a few minutes ago when I took the garbage bag down to the dumpster.

I heaved it up and into the bin. There was an amazingly loud pop as the bag hit the bottom of the dumpster. I heard the champagne glasses and the mug shatter into what I can only imagine was a million pieces.

A fitting and final conclusion to Jan. 8, 2006. WHOO!

Cobwebs

2010-09-15T15:29:00.003-04:00

I just spent the last hour deleting 1380 emails from my ex-husband. I stopped to read a few here and there and all that did was trigger feelings of anger, shame and hurt. Even with three years of space, the feelings were just as raw and intense as when they first happened.

Which is why getting rid of that shit is a good thing.

I kept about 80 emails that pertain directly to our divorce and a few that are outright blackmail on his part. He still owes me $500 from the divorce, as per the court order. I'll never see that money, but at least I have proof that he acknowledged the debt and I tried several times to collect. The blackmail emails are a nice insurance policy should he ever try to pull anything in the future. Which, knowing how completely psychotic he can be, is entirely within the realm of possibility.

I also really need to go through my closets and drawers to make sure anything related to him gets thrown out. I still have quite a bit of stuff from our wedding, although I had torn up my wedding scrapbook into a million tiny pieces about a year ago. That was therapeutic to say the least.

The Comedian is coming up for the weekend for the first time, and I want to make sure he doesn't inadvertently come across anything to do with my ex.

I am so ready to start this new chapter of my life. I can finally see the light.

Metamorphosis II

2010-09-14T10:00:00.002-04:00

Remember this post?

It took 3 years, 1 month and 28 days but I've got a Relationship Status back up on my Facebook profile. It now says "In a Relationship with The Comedian".

And when it's on Facebook, it *must* be true! :)

It took a loooooong time to get here. There were many, many dark and lonely days. And there were many, many times I had truly believed I would be alone for the rest of my life.

But somehow, we found each other. It bends my brain thinking about all the choices which had to be made that would eventually lead us to the moment when we would finally meet.

I'm so happy this part of my life is finally set. Now I can get on to other things like becoming a rock star, developing a perfume line, starring in several reality TV series and total world domination.

I just hope I don't get hit by a falling piano anytime soon.

L-bomb

2010-09-13T16:24:00.003-04:00

The Comedian and I spent Saturday remembering those who were lost in the 9/11 attacks by visiting the 9/11 Memorial Walk on the shores of Lake Ontario.

There were 27 Canadians who were lost in the events of 9/11 and the City of St. Catharines set up this memorial to honour them and those who had close ties to Canada. There were trees and benches dedicated to each of these people.

We sat on one of the benches and looked out across the lake. It was a picture perfect day. I reflected on how lucky I am to live in Canada, far removed from the atrocities that have occurred and continue to occur daily around the world. I counted my blessings - my job, my health, my family, my friends, and now The Comedian. I said a silent prayer for those souls who were taken 9 years ago.

Later that evening we visited my friend who owns a church in Welland which he has renovated into a bed & breakfast. This was the first time I had the chance to see the finished space. It was spectacular to say the least.

There were several friends in attendance whom I hadn't seen in at least 2 years. We sat around chatting and having a few drinks.

At one point, the conversation turned to the ever morbid topic of wills and funerals. What is it with my friends? This was supposed to be a FUN evening.

My brain shut down at that point. I was already in a sombre mood from the memorial walk and I had also found out that the mother of a former student of mine had passed away the day before.

I nudged The Comedian and indicated I wanted to leave.

We got home and got ready for bed. I was exhausted both physically and mentally from the day.

I reflected on the day, on the conversation and how short life really is. I decided I had to tell The Comedian how I felt about him. I didn't want another moment to go by without him knowing.

We had just got under the covers and all snuggled up against each other and he turned out the lights. I could still see his face from the moonlight coming in through the window.

I took his face in my hands, kissed his lips and said, "I love you."

He smiled and without hesitation said, "I love you baby."

I kissed him again and we drifted off to sleep. I don't remember dreaming that night. But I do know it was one of the soundest nights of sleep I've had in a long time.